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PRACTICAL 

ETIQUETTE 


By  N.  C. 

TWENTY-TBIBD  THOUSAND 


CHICAGO 

A.  FI.ANAGAN  CO. 


Copyright, 

1899, 

By  a.  FI.ANAGAN 


PREFACE. 

The  very  extensive  sale  of  Practical 
Etiquette,  a  sale  that  has  required  the  is- 
suance of  a  large  number  of  editions  of  the 
little  manual,  has  been  very  gratifying  to 
its  author,  as  was  also  the  commission  of  its 
publisher  to  re- write  and  enlarge  the  w^ork. 
This  commission,  however,  brought  with  it 
a  keen  sense  of  responsibility,  for  the  author 
feels  that  a  new  work  on  etiquette  can  find 
a  7'aison  d'etre  only  in  a  fairly  successful 
attempt  at  answering  practically^  every  ques- 
tion that  can  arise  concerning  social  rela- 
tions, at  least  in  ordinary  social  life.  But 
to  speak  with  authority  on  all  matters  of 
"good  form"  is  to  speak  dogmatically,  and 
so  to  speak  is  in  itself  not  good  form. 
Nevertheless,  and  in  spite  of  this  dilem- 
ma, the  author  has  attempted  herein  to 
decide,  when  compelled  to  do  so,  between 
conflicting  opinions  in  mere  matters  of 
social  custom,  and  has  given  as  authority 
the  opinion  that  seemed  to  her  to  conform 
most  nearly  to  common  sense,  embodying 


such  opinion  in  an  unqualified  statement 
without  citing  authority.  Fortunately, 
social  customs  are  now  so  nearly  uniform  in 
all  parts  of  the  country,  that  one  familiar 
with  the  ways  of  good  society  in  the  West 
or  in  the  North,  is  at  home  in  good  society 
in  the  East  or  in  the  South. 

The  author  is  under  obligation  to  so 
many  persons  for  suggestions  and  advice, 
as  well  as  to  many  authors,  that  it  does  not 
seem  best  to  give  a  list  of  the  same,  especially 
as  such  list  could  be  only  a  partial  one,  for 
many  of  her  friends  would  not  desire  men- 
tion of  their  names. 

N.  C. 


Dec,  z,  1899. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

Introductions   7 

  9 

Cards   15 

Visiting   20 

CHAPTER  II. 

Notes  of  Ina^itation   21 

Announcement  Cards   26 

Wedding  Invitations   30 

Acceptances  and  Regrets   32 

Letters   35 

Letters  of  Introduction   39 

CHAPTER  III. 

Dinners   41 

Luncheons   44 

Breakfasts   44 

Teas   44 

Receptions.   46 

'Dancing  Parties   46 

Card  Parties   47 

Weddings   48 

Wedding  Gifts   52 

Wedding  Anniversari^   53 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Conversation   56 

Chaperonage   60 

Marriage   62 

Domestic  Etiquette  and  Duties   64 


CHAPTER  V. 

Dress   66 

GivOVES   69 

S^RBET^  Etiquette  70 

Travewng   73 

BlCYCWNG   75 

TeI/Ephoning   76 

CHAPTER  VI. 

The  TABI.E  AND  Service  at  Tabi,e   79 

Habits  at  Tabi,e   86 

Servants  and  Serving   94 

CHAPTER  VII. 

FUNERAI^   98 

Mourning  =.100 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

Politeness  oe  Young  Children   102 

SCHOOI.-ROOM  Etiquette   108 

CHAPTER  IX. 

Oeficiai.  Etiquette   Ill 

CHAPTER  X. 

Business  Correspondence  113 

Letters  oe  Appi^ication,  etc   116 

CHAPTER  XI. 

General,  Hints  124 


INTRODUCTION. 


"  True  politeness  is  to  do  and  say 
The  kindest  thing  in  the  kindest  way." 


If  civil  law  is  the  outgrowth  of  regard  for 
other  people's  rights,  social  law^  is  equally 
the  outgrowth  of  regard  for  other  people's 
feelings  and  convenience.  Social  law  is 
kindness  and  good- will  and  the  desire  to  be 
agreeable  codified.  A  system  of  so  much 
importance  cannot  be  unworthy  of  con- 
sideration. 

The  very  essence  of  good  manners  is  self- 
possession,  and  self-possession  is  another 
name  for  self-forgetfulness.  Gentility  is 
neither  in  birth,  manner,  nor  fashion,  but  in 
the  mind.  A  high  sense  of  honor,  a  de- 
termination never  to  take  a  mean  advantage 
of  another,  and  an  adherence  to  truth, 
delicacy,  and  politeness  towards  those  with 
v>7hom  one  may  have  dealings,  are  the  essen- 
tial and  distinguishing  characteristics  of  a 
gentleman. 

Quietness  in  all  things  is  an  essential 
element  to  a  w^ell-bred  person.  He  shuns 
all  outward  display  of  his  personality;  he 
cares  not  to  to  be  seen  or  heard;  he  eschew^s 
noisy  and  grandiloquent  talk;  he  avoids 


6 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


showy  and  noticeable  costumes.  His  voice 
is  low;  his  words  simple;  and  his  actions 
grave.  He  holds  himself  habitually  under 
restraint;  his  words  never  seem  to  vibrate 
with  emotion. 

Habits  are  said  to  be  good  or  bad  as 
the  result  of  actions  that  are  right  or  wrong. 
A  man  of  good  habits  is  one  who  has  for  so 
long  a  time  practiced  right  thinking,  speak- 
ing, and  doing,  that  he  acts  properly  from 
force  of  habit. 

Good  manners  are  not  to  be  put  on  for 
particular  occasions,  like  fine  clothes,  but 
they  should  be  one's  second  nature.  The 
simpler  and  more  easy  and  unconstrained 
one's  manners,  the  more  he  will  impress 
people  with  his  good  breeding.  Affectation 
is  o»e  of  ^h^  brazen  marks  of  vulgarity. 


CHAPTER  I. 
Introductions,  Cai.i^,  Cards,  Visiting. 


"A  beautiful  behavior  gives  a  higher  pleas- 
ure than  statues  or  pictures;  it  is  the  finest  of 
the  fine  arts." — Emerson. 


INTRODUCTIONS. 

In  introducing  persons,  one  should  be 
careful  to  pronounce  each  name  distinctly. 

When  either  name  is  not  perfectly  under- 
stood, a  repetition  of  it  should  be  requested 
of  the  person  making  the  introduction. 
When  introductions  are  given,  it  is  the  man 
who  should  be  presented  to  the  woman; 
when  two  women  are  introduced,  it  is  the 
younger  who  is  presented  to  the  elder.^  For 
example,  in  presenting  Mr.  Jones  to  Mrs. 
Smith,  it  is  Mrs.  Smith's  name  that  is  first 
mentioned.  The  word  "introduce"  is  pre- 
ferred to  '  'present. "  Informal  introductions 
are  given  by  merely  mentioning  the  names; 
as,  ''Mrs.  Smith,  Mr.  Jones,"  and  this  is 
ordinarily  sufficient. 

In  introducing  two  sisters,  the  elder  is 
"Miss  Smith"  and  the  younger  "Miss  Vir- 
ginia Smith." 

When  two  women  are  introducd  to  each 
other,  it  is  not  necessary  for  either  to  rise; 
a  bow  and  a  smile  from  each  is  sufficient. 


8  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


A  woman  does  not  rise  when  a  man  is 
presented  to  her,  unless  he  is  very  old  or  is 
a  person  of  great  importance.  Upon  being 
introduced,  a  married  woman  may  offer  her 
hand  to  a  man  but  it  is  not  customary  for  a 
young  woman  to  do  so.  • 

It  is  the  duty  of  a  man  who  attends  a 
private  entertainment,  to  have  himself  pre- 
sented to  every  member  of  the  family  whom 
he  does  not  know. 

An  introduction  in  the  street  car  is  very 
bad  form. 

One  should  never  forget  that  it  is  diffi- 
cult, almost  impossible,  for  some  people  to 
remember  names  and  faces,  and  that  such 
people  actually  suffer  from  their  inability  to 
recognize  and  call  by  name  persons  to  whom 
they  may  have  been  introduced  recently. 

It  is  not  uncommon  to  see  one  approach 
such  a  person,  offer  her  hand,  and  say,  if 
there  is  not  an  immediate  recognition,  "I  am 
afraid  you  do  not  remember  me,'*  while  the 
person  approached  stands  in  agony,  and 
gradually  makes  an  apology  for  her  poor 
memory,  and  asks  the  name. 

One  who  is  truly  polite,  who  is  at  all 
thoughtful  for  another  person's  feelings, 
would  not  be  the  cause  of  such  a  scene. 
She  would  prevent  it  by  saying:  "I  am 
Mrs.  Smith.  I  had  the  pleasure  of  meet- 
ing you  at  Mrs.  Brown's  luncheon  last 
Thursday;"  or  something  of  the  kind. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  9 


Whenever  one  has  reason  to  think  his 
name  or  face  may  have  been  forgotten,  he 
should  make  himself  known,  in  approaching 
another  person,  by  giving  his  name  at  least.J 

CALLS. 

A  first  call  ought  to  be  returned  within  a 
very  short  time. 

A  lady  when  receiving  rises  as  her  callers 
enter,  and  they  immediately  advance  to  pay 
their  respects  to  her  before  speaking  to 
others. 

A  man  takes  any  vacant  chair,  without 
troubling  the  hostess  to  look  after  him. 

A  man  rises  when  women  with  whom  he 
is  talking  rise  to  take  their  leave.  Women 
calling  do  not  rise  unless  those  who  are 
leaving  are  friends  older  than  themselves. 

When  taking  leave,  one  ought  to  choose 
a  moment  when  there  is  a  lull  in  the  conver- 
sation, and  then  take  leave  of  the  hostess, 
letting  one  bow  include  the  others  in  the 
room. 

One  month  after  the  birth  of  a  child,  a 
call  of  congratulation  is  made  by  acquain- 
tances. 

A  call  of  condolence  is  made  within  ten 
days  after  the  death,  if  the  caller  is  on  inti- 
mate terms  with  the  family,  or  within  a 
month  if  otherwise. 


10  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


Calls  of  congratulation  are  due  to  the 
newly  married,  and  to  the  parents  who  gave 
the  invitations  to  the  marriage. 

A  man  invited  by  a  woman  to  call  upon 
her,  cannot,  without  great  discourtesy,  neg- 
lect to  pay  the  call  within  a  week. 

A  lady  will  never  keep  a  caller  waiting, 
without  sending  word  that  she  will  be  in 
immediately. 

One  ought  always  to  return  a  call,  but  if 
the  acquaintance  is  not  desirable,  the  first 
call  may  be  the  last. 

Some  women  only  rise  when  their  callers 
leave,  others  accompany  them  as  far  as  the 
drawing-room  door;  but  it  is  always  polite 
for  a  hostess  to  accompany  her  visitors  to 
the  front  door  when  they  take  their  leave, 
if  there  is  not  a  servant  on  hand  to  open  the 
door  for  them.  The  best  bred  hostesses 
even  go  so  far  as  to  accompany  their  callers 
to  the  elevator  in  a  hotel  or  an  apartment- 
house.  Of  course,  if  one  has  more  than  one 
caller  at  a  time,  it  would  be  discourteous  to 
leave  the  others  to  accompany  one  to  the 
door;  but,  otherwise,  it  is  rude  to  permit 
a  friend  to  go  to  the  door  alone,  and  get  out 
as  best  she  may. 

A  bride  who  is  ''At  Home  after  Novem- 
ber first,"  should  make  a  point  of  literally 
staying  at  home  for  an  hour  or  two  every 
afternoon  during  the  month  of  November 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  11 


and  the  early  part  of  December.  She  should 
be  dressed  to  receive  callers,  and  should 
have  some  dainty  refreshments  ready  to 
serve, — tea  and  sandwiches  or  cake.  After 
the  first  week  of  December  the  bride  may 
begin  to  return  her  calls,  calling  first  on 
those  who  first  called  upon  her,  and  so  on. 

When  the  *  'at  home' '  is  a  large  and  formal 
function,  with  engraved  invitations  and  all 
the  accessories  of  hired  waiters,  an  elaborate 
repast,  floral  decorations,  etc., — such  as  a 
debutante's  coming  out,  a  wedding  reception, 
or  a  reception  to  celebrate  a  wedding  anni- 
versary, and  other  large  entertainments  of 
this  order, — an  after-call  is  obligatory.  But 
an  ordinary  "at  home"  does  not  demand 
another  call,  for  instance,  the  reception  or 
"days"  a  bride  has  on  her  return  from  her 
wedding  trip,  or  when  she  is  settled  in  her 
new  home;  or  a  tea  or  "days"  for  which  a 
hostess  informally  sends  the  invitations 
written  or  engraved  on  her  visiting  cards, 
and  receives  with  little  ceremony  and  serves 
only  a  modest  menu.  On  the  contrary,  the 
hostess  owes  a  return  call  to  all  who  attend; 
and  only  those  who  were  invited,  but  were 
unable  to  be  present,  are  in  debt  to  her. 

The  length  of  time  proper  for  one  to  stay 
at  an  *'at  home"  depends  on  circumstances. 
It  is  always  a  compliment  to  one's  hostess 
to  make  a  long  visit  at  "a  day",  for  it  im- 


12  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


plies  that  one  is  having  a  pleasant  time;  but 
nobody  should  stay  long  enough  to  be  a 
burden  on  the  hostess's  hospitality,  or  to 
detain  her  from  her  other  guests.  If  one 
finds  that  she  does  not  know  any  one  present, 
or  if  she  is  not  introduced  to  a  congenial 
person  with  whom  she  can  have  a  pleasant 
chat,  it  would  be  wise  for  her  to  leave  after 
a  conventional  ten  or  fifteen  minutes'  call. 

The  calling  code  demands  that  soon  after 
a  second  caller  is  announced,  the  caller  who 
was  first  present  shall  take  leave  of  the 
hostess.  The  reason  for  this  rule  is  obvious: 
visitor  number  one  has  already  had  a  little 
time  of  uninterrupted  tete-a-tete  with  the 
hostess  before  visitor  number  two  appeared, 
and  he  or  she  should  generously  retire  first, 
so  that  visitor  number  two  may  have  the 
same  privilege.  But  while  this  is  the  law, 
it  depends  somewhat  on  circumstances 
whether  it  is  always  carried  out.  If  the 
first  caller  is  an  intimate  friend  of  the 
hostess,  and  has  come  to  have  a  long  in- 
formal talk  with  her,  and  the  second  caller 
is  merely  a  formal  visitor  whose  obvious 
intention  is  to  make  a  ceremonious  visit, 
then  the  first  comer  may,  with  perfect  pro- 
priety, outstay  the  other;  or  if  the  hostess 
has  particularly  asked  the  former  to  remain 
until  after  the  latter  goes,  he  may  do  so, 
and,  of  course,  if  the  first  visitor  has  come 
for  some  special  reason,  and  the  visitor  who 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  13 


is  announced  later  interrupts  an  important 
conversation,  which,  for  business  or  other 
reasons,  should  be  continued,  the  former  is 
naturally  justified  in  transgressing  the  call- 
ing code.  All  things  being  equal,  however, 
it  IS  the  place  of  the  first  comer  to  be  the 
first  goer;  and  one  must  have  a  very  good 
excuse  for  outstaying  a  caller  who  comes 
later. 

Guests  who  are  invited  to  attend  one  large 
reception  which  is  given  for  the  express  pur- 
pose of  introducing  a  young  woman  into 
society,  should  make  a  call  after  the  recep- 
tion, but  if  the  debuta7ite  is  introduced  at  a 
series  of  *'days,"  the  callers  need  call  but 
once,  on  one  of  the  "days." 

An  invitation  to  any  kind  of  *'day'*  or 
reception  demands  a  card  from  a  person 
who  is  unable  to  attend  the  function;  and 
the  card  should  be  sent  on  the  day  of  the 
reception,  even  if  the  invitation  to  the  func- 
tion has  been  already  answered,  and  even  if 
an  after-call  is  in  order. 

When  one  calls  on  an  acquaintance  who 
is  staying  with  a  relative,  the  caller  should 
ask  for  the  latter  (the  hostess),  even  if  she 
does  not  know  her,  and  she  should  leave 
one  of  her  own  and  one  of  her  husband's 
cards  for  her,  as  well  as  one  of  each  for  her 
friend.  It  is  not  obligatory  to  leave  two 
of  her  husband's  cards  for  each  woman. 


14         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


Even  in  the  most  formal  visiting,  it  is  op- 
tional whether  one  leaves  one  or  two  cards. 
Probably  the  hostess  will  excuse  herself 
altogether;  but  the  caller  must  show  her 
the  courtesy  of  asking  for  her. 

In  making  a  call  it  is  proper  to  give  one's 
card  to  the  servant  who  opens  the  door,  if 
it  is  not  a  regular  reception  day;  but  on 
such  an  occasion  the  card  should  be  left 
either  in  the  dressing-room  or  on  the  hall 
table  in  passing  out. 

In  making  a  formal  call  ten  minutes  is 
quite  long  enough  to  stay. 

When  one  is  returning  visits  and  driving, 
it  would  be  in  very  bad  taste  to  have  the 
coachman  get  off  his  box  and  take  the  card 
to  the  door.  It  is  the  woman's  place  to  de- 
liver her  card  in  person,  unless  she  has  a 
footman  to  attend  to  it  for  her. 

In  making  an  evening  call  a  man  should 
appear  about  half-past  eight,  and  remain  an 
hour.  Kven  if  his  visit  is  to  the  daugh- 
ter, he  should  ask  for  her  mother. 

It  is  quite  proper,  when  making  calls 
with  a  friend,  for  one  to  write  her  name  in 
pencil  on  her  friend's  card,  if  she  has  no 
card  of  her  own  with  her. 

Those  women  whose  households  are  most 
modest  find  that  the  day  "at  home"  is  a 
great  convenience,  since,  having  a  special 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  15 


time  for  receiving  one's  friends,  all  neces- 
sary arrangements  can  be  made  beforehand, 
and  no  embarrassing  situations  are  apt  to 
occur. 

When  one  calls  on  a  friend  who  lives  in  a 
flat,  she  should,  immediately  after  ringing, 
call  through  the  tube  her  name  and  that  of 
the  person  she  wishes  to  see. 

A  man  leaves  his  overcoat,  hat,  and  stick 
in  the  hall  when  making  an  evening  call; 
when  calling  in  the  afternoon  he  leaves  his 
overcoat  in  the  hall,  but  carries  his  hat  and 
stick  into  the  drawing-room  with  him. 

When  a  daughter  is  in  the  parlor,  and 
her  mother  is  entertaining  callers,  she  should 
rise  when  her  mother  does  in  bidding  them 
good-day. 

It  is  very  improper  for  a  young  girl  who 
is  ill  to  receive  men  callers  in  her  room. 

CARDS. 

When  an  invitation  to  a  reception  is  sent 
in  the  name  of  several  women,  a  guest 
should  leave  or  send  cards  for  all  whose 
names  are  on  the  invitation.  A  w^oman 
leaves  with  her  own  cards  the  cards  of 
those  members  of  her  family  who  are  un- 
able to  call. 

A  young  woman,  when  calling  upon  her 
friends  with  a  young  man  who  is  a  stranger 


16         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


to  them,  should  send  his  card  with  her  own 
to  the  hostess  and  other  women  of  the 
household. 

In  making  formal  calls  a  visitor  invari- 
ably hands  her  cards  to  the  servant  who 
opens  the  door  with  a  card  tray  in  her 
hand;  when  calling  informally  one  may  sim- 
ply give  her  name  to  the  servant  at  the 
door,  but  then  leaves  no  card  later. 

A  married  woman,  when  making  formal 
calls,  leaves  one  of  her  husband's  and  one 
of  her  own  cards  for  the  hostess  and  for 
every  other  woman  she  asks  for  in  the 
house,  and  one  of  her  husband's  cards,  be- 
sides, for  the  host;  but,  while  this  is  the 
rule  for  formal  visiting,  it  is  quite  permis- 
sible for  a  married  woman,  when  calling  on 
a  number  of  women  who  reside  in  the  same 
house,  to  leave,  besides  her  ovm  and  her 
husband's  for  the  host  and  hostess,  only  one 
more  of  each  for  all' the  others. 

In  making  formal  visits,  and  subsequent 
calls  after  the  first  formal  visit  has  been 
made,  a  married  woman  need  leave  only  one 
of  her  husband's  cards  with  her  own;  and 
in  making  a  call  in  acknowledgment  of  an 
invitation  to  an  entertainment  to  which  she 
alone  was  invited, — such  as  a  woman's  lunch- 
eon,— she  should  leave  only  one  of  her  own. 

The  fashionable  visiting  card  varies  in 
size;  but  for  a  married  woman  it  is  generally 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  17 


pure  white  and  very  thin,  with  the  name 
engraved  in  ordinar^^  script.  For  a  woman 
who  lives  in  the  country,  it  is  in  good  taste 
to  have  the  name  of  her  country  place  put 
just  where,  if  she  were  in  the  city,  her  town 
address  would  be,  which  is  in  the  left  hand 
lower  comer. 

If  a  woman  receives  "at  home"  cards  for 
"Tuesdays  in  February,"  and  is  prevented 
from  calling  on  any  of  the  Tuesdays,  she 
should  send  her  card  in  an  envelope,  either 
by  hand  or  mail,  on  the  first  Tuesday,  and 
call  on  the  hostess  at  the  earliest  opportunity 
on  some  other  da}'. 

A  man  should  use  a  card  engraved,  as 
"Mr.  George  Wellington  Smith,"  not 
omitting  the  prefix,  with  the  address  in  one 
corner,  if  desired.  The  size  of  the  card 
varies  from  time  to  time,  but  it  is  smaller 
than  a  woman's  card. 

The  names  of  mother  and  daughter  or 
daughters  are  often  engraved  on  one  card;  as, 

\      \  : 


MRS.  jrnSON  BROWN. 
MISS  ANNA  BNOWIs. 


18         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


MRS.  JUDSON  BROWN. 
THB  MISSKS  BROWN. 


The  following  is  the  usual  form  for  an 
unmarried  woman's  card: 


MISS  MAY  BROWN, 


12  pine;  ST. 


It  is  quite  proper  for  a  woman  to  retain 
her  deceased  husband's  name  on  her  visiting 
cards;  as,  "Mrs.  John  Smith."  Itisequally 
proper  for  her  to  use  *'Mrs.  Jane  Smith" 
for  the  purpose. 

When  a  caller  is  met  by  the  hostess  at 
the  door,  she  should  drop  her  card  in  the 
card  receiver  or  leave  it  on  the  hall  table  on 
her  way  out.  The  object  of  such  a  card  is 
not  to  introduce  people  when  visiting,  but 
as  a  reminder  of  the  visit. 

*T.  P.  C."  cards  should  be  left  on  the 
occasion  of  a  long  absence  (of  over  three 


PRACTICAL.  ETIQUETTE. 


19 


months) ;  on  lea\4ng  town  at  the  close  of  the 
season;  on  leaving  a  neighborhood  where 
one  has  resided  for  years,  or  where  one  has 
resided  for  months  and  sometimes  only  for 
weeks,  but  not  when  changing  houses  in  the 
same  neighborhood,  not  even  when  about 
to  be  married,  unless  one's  furture  home  is 
to  be  in  another  cit5^  The  words  pom 
prejidre  cojige  signify  to  take  leave. 

"R.  S.  V.  P."  means  ''Repoyidez  s'il  zmis 
^/(^^zV, "  which  is  the  French  for  "Answer, 
if  3'ou  please." 

Turning  down  the  corner  of  a  visiting 
card,  meaning  that  the  call  was  made  in 
person,  is  no  longer  in  vogue.  One  might 
leave  her  card  in  person,  writing  on  it 
"With  kind  inquiries,''  when  sickness  or 
death  has  entered  the  household  of  a  friend, 
and  thus  show  a  delicate  courtesy. 

It  is  proper  for  a  hostess  to  shake  hands 
with  a  man  visitor  on  his  arrival  and  at  his 
departure. 

It  is  an  evidence  of  very  bad  taste  for  a 
young  woman  to  send  wedding  cards  to  a 
married  man  without  including  his  wife's 
name,  even  if  she  has  no  acquaintance  what- 
ever with  her. 

A  young  girl  who  is  not  "out"  does  not 
have  visiting  cards.  If  she  is  the  oldest  or 
only  daughter  and  is  in  society,  her  cards 
have  upon  them  "Miss  Smith." 


20  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


A  woman  should  never  ask  a  man  for- 
mally calling  to  take  his  hat,  or  a  woman  to 
lay  aside  her  wraps. 

A  card  sent  to  an  afternoon  reception 
represents  one's  self.  It  should  be  sent 
.either  by  mail  or  messenger,  and  never  by  a 
friend  to  deposit  upon  the  receiver  with  her 
own  card. 

VISITING. 

A  guest  should  always  ascertain  what  are 
the  usual  hours  of  rising,  taking  meals,  and 
retiring,  and  then  conform  scrupulously  to 
them. 

\  Guests  should  give  as  little  trouble  as 
possible,  and  never  apologize  for  the  extra 
trouble  their  visit  necessarily  occasions. ! 

If  a  ride,  drive  or  walk  is  proposed  by 
one  of  the  family  entertaining,  a  guest 
should  acquiesce  as  far  as  her  strength  will 
allow,  and  do  all  in  her  power  to  seen 
pleased  by  the  efforts  made  for  her  enter- 
tainment. 

Upon  taking  one's  departure,  it  is  ex-[ 
pected — and  reasonably,  too— that  some 
acknowledgment  be  made  of  the  pleasure 
that  has  been  afforded  one. 

It  is  also  proper  upon  returning  home  to 
inform  the  friends  just  left  of  one's  safe 
arrival. 


CHAPTER  II. 


Notes  of  Invitation,  Announcement 
Cards,  Wedding  Invitations,  Ac- 
ceptances AND  Regrets,  I^et- 
TERS,  Letters  of 
Introduction. 


"Politeness  is  one  of  those  advantages 
which  we  never  estimate  rightly,  but  by  the 
inconvenience  of  its  loss." — Samuel  Johnson. 


NOTES  OF  INVITATION. 

Notes  of  invitation  for  evening  parties 
are  issued  in  the  name  of  the  lady  of  the 
house;  as, 

Mrs.  James  Little  requests  the  pleasure  of 
Mr.  a7id  Mrs.  George  White' s  company  on 
Monday  eveniftg,  March  seventee7ith^  from 
nine  to  twelve  o'clock.'^ 

The  expression  '  'presents  compliments' '  is 
obsolete,  as  is  also  the  term  * 'polite,"  which 
was  formerly  used  in  acceptances  or  regrets. 
The  English  form  of  ''kind"  or  "very 
kind"  is  now  substituted  in  its  place. 

*It  is  now  quite  common  to  omit  marks  of  punct- 
uation at  the  end  of  lines  in  an  invitation. 

21 


22  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


A  very  acceptable  form  of  invitation  for  a 
mother  (if  the  mother  is  not  living,  the 
father's  name  may  be  so  used)  and  daugh- 
ter is  this: 

Mrs.  and  Miss  Graves  at  Home,  Thurs- 
day, October  twenty- seventh,  from  eight  to 
eleve7i  o'clock. 

When  a  very  large  dinner  party  is  to 
be  given,  the  invitations  should  be  issued 
at  least  two  weeks  in  advance;  and  if  some 
very  celebrated  people  are  to  be  invited, 
twenty-one  days  should  elapse  between 
sending  out  the  invitations  and  the  da}^ 
of  the  function.  For  a  small  affair  ten 
days'  notice  is  sufficient.  Invitations  to 
large  teas  should  be  sent  out  fourteen  days 
in  advance,  but  for  small  ones  a  week's  no- 
tice is  sufficient. 

In  answering  an  invitation  sent  out  in  the 
name  of  both  mother  and  daughter,  one 
should  address  the  mother. 

When  sending  out  invitations  to  evening 
parties,  it  is  customary  to  denote  the  amuse- 
ment feature,  if  there  is  to  be  one,  by  nam- 
ing it  in  the  lower  left  hand  corner;  as, 
''Dancing,"  or  "Cards,"  or  ''Fancy  dress 
and  masks. ' '  The  hour  is  designated  thus : 
"Dancing  after  nine,"  or  "German  at  eight 
o'clock,"  or  "Supper  at  half  after  seven," 
and  underneath  "Dancing,"    Sometimes  a 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  23 


separate  card  is  enclosed,  reading  "Dancing 
at  nine  o'clock." 

Mrs.  George  Brown  requests  the  pleasure 
of  Miss  Lee's  company  on  Tuesday  evenings 
January  seventh,  at  nine  o'clock. 

Dancing.  221  Thirty -fifth  Street. 

The  correct  form  of  invitation  for  an  en- 
tertainment where  an  elocutionist  is  to  be 
the  principal  feature  is  worded  as  follows: 

Mrs.  James  Sfnith  requests  the  pleasure  oj 
Mr,  and  Mrs.  Brown' s  company  on  Thurs- 
day evening,  December  the  first,  at  eight 
o'clock. 

12^  Jewell  Avenue. 
Readiiig  by  Professor  Willia^n  White. 

An  invitation  to  a  rose  or  lawn  party 
might  read  thus: 

Mrs.  James  Smith. 
The  Misses  Smith. 

AT  HOME 

Tuesday  evening,  June  the  twenty-eighth, 
AT  eight  o'ci^oce:. 
rose  party  to  meet 

212  Sheridan  Avenue.     The  Misses  White. 

In  writing  invitations  for  a  club  for  which 
one  is  acting  as  secretary  it  would  be  wise 
to  put  them  in  the  third  person,  and  then 
there  would  be  no  embarrassment  about  the 
arrangement  of  names. 


24         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


The  words  ''reception"  and  *'at  home" 
are  synonymous.  Each  means  an  enter- 
tainment which  takes  place  between  certain 
stated  hours  in  the  afternoon  or  evening, 
where  refreshments  are  served,  and  no 
especial  order  of  amusement  is  provided, 
unless  it  is  specified  in  the  invitations.  To 
a  "reception"  or  "at  home"  the  hostess 
generally  sends  invitations  to  all  on  her  call- 
ing list.  These  large  functions  are  usuallv 
given  for  some  especial  purpose;  as,  to 
introduce  a  debutante  into  society,  to  cele- 
brate a  wedding  anniversary,  or  for  the 
bride  and  groom  after  the  wedding  ceremony, 
or  merely  that  the  hostess  may  meet  all  her 
friends. 

There  is,  however,  a  decided  distinction 
betv/een  a  reception  or  an  *'at  home"  and  a 
tea  or  "days."  An  invitation  to  the  first  is 
engraved  on  a  sheet  of  note  paper  or  a  large 
sized  card,  and  is  formally  worded.  The 
hours  for  the  afternoon  function  are  usually 
from  four  until  seven,  and  one  may  expect 
to  find  at  the  house  or  place  of  entertain- 
ment decorations  of  flowers  and  greens,  and 
quite  an  elaborate  repast  provided;  but  an 
invitation  to  a  tea  or  to  "days"  does  not 
imply  that  anything  but  the  simplest  kind 
of  menu  will  be  served,  nor  that  any  but 
simple  preparations  will  be  made.  The 
invitations  to  the  latter  entertainments  may 
be  the  hostess's  visiting  cards   with  the 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  25 


address  and  "tea  at  four  o'clock"  written  in 
one  corner;  or  if  the  hostess  prefers  to 
receive  informally  on  more  than  one  day, 
she  may  have  the  form  "Frida^^s,"  or  ''Fri- 
days in  February,"  or  ''First  and  third 
Fridays  in  February,"  or  v/hatever  days  she 
chooses,  written  or  engraved  on  her  cards. 

The  formal  luncheon  hour  is  from  one  to 
two  o'clock.  Afternoon  teas  are  usually  at 
five.  One's  visiting  card  can  be  used  only 
for  an  invitation  for  an  afternoon  "at  home;' ' 
invitations  to  dinner  or  luncheon  must  be 
written  out.  In  sending  out  cards  for  a  tea 
one  should  simply  write  the  date  and  the 
hour  in  the  lower  left-hand  corner;  in 
sending  a  note,  whether  by  messenger  or 
post,  the  number  of  the  house  and  the  name 
of  the  street  should  be  WTitten  out  in  full. 

The  following  is  a  good  form  of  invitation 
to  an  "at  home"  given  by  several  women: 

Mrs.  James  Smith 
Mrs.  Chari.es  White 
Mrs.  Frederick  Brown 

AT  HOME 

Saturday,  Aprii,  the  sixteenth 
at  four  0'ci.ock 

112  Madison  Street 

The  usual  form  of  an  invitation  to  a 
luncheon  is  as  follows: 


26  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Mrs.  James  Brown 
requests  the  pleasure  oe  your  company 

AT  IvUNCHEON 
ON  WEDNESDAY,  APRII,  THE  SIXTH, 

AT  ONE  O'CI^OCK.  I 

Below  this  and  to  the  right  would  be  the 
address,  and  the  date  on  which  the  invita- 
tion is  written. 

The  invitation  for  a  musical  may  be 
worded  as  follows: 

Mrs.  James  Smith  requests  the  pleasure  of 
Miss  Byown'' s  compa?iy  o?t  Friday  afternoon, 
March  seventeenth,  at  two  o'clock. 

Music.  ^ 
R.  S.  V.  P.  ^4  Qu^^^  Avenue. 

ANNOUNCEMENT  CARDS. 

The  simplest  way  to  announce  an  engage- 
ment is  for  each  of  the  engaged  couple  to 
write  short  notes  of  announcement  on  the 
same  day  to  each  one's  relatives  and  near 
friends.  All  these  notes  are  sent  so  that 
they  will  be  received  at  the  same  time. 
They  are  written  in  the  first  person  on 
dainty  note  paper,  and  the  best  form  is  the 
simplest.  The  character  of  the  note  must 
depend  on  the  intimacy  between  the  writer 
and  the  recipient. 

A  pretty  and  fashionable  sequence  to  the 
announcement  is  for  the  bride  to  give  a  tea 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  27 

for  the  express  purpose  of  receiving  con- 
gratulations. She  may  mention  it  in  her 
notes  of  announcement,  and  her  fiarice  may- 
mention  in  his  notes  that  she  will  be  at  home 
on  a  certain  day  at  a  certain  hour.  She 
should  then  receive  with  her  mother  or  some 
older  relative,  and  she  should  have  some 
light  refreshment  provided  for  her  callers. 
All  her  young  friends  will  call,  and  all  the 
relatives  and  near  friends  of  her  fiance.  The 
fianc6  should  be  present  at  the  tea,  or  he 
may  come  before  it  is  over,  but  he  should 
not  formally  receive  with  his  betrothed. 

Engagements  are  often  announced  in  the 
newspapers. 

Wedding  announcements  or  invitations 
should  be  sent  in  envelopes  addressed  to 
the  father  and  mother  of  the  family,  to  the 
daughter  or  daughters  (addressed  as  the 
Misses),  and  to  each  of  the  grown  sons. 
All  these  invitations  in  their  envelopes  may 
be  enclosed  in  an  outside  envelope  addressed 
to  the  parents. 

A  wedding  invitation  or  announcement 
card  should  alw^ays  be  addressed  to  both 
members  of  a  married  couple,  even  if  the 
bride  or  groom  who  sends  it  is  acquainted 
with  only  one. 

The  correct  form  for  wedding  announce-  - 
ment  cards  is  as  follows : 


28  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Smith 


ANNOUNCER  THE  MARRIAGE  OE  THEIR  DAUGHTER, 


ON  Saturday,  October  the  twenty-second, 

EIGHTEEN  hundred  AND  NINETY-NINE. 


The  bride's  ''at  home"  cards  should  be 
separate,  but  enclosed  with  the  announce- 
ments, and  should  read  as  follows: 

At  Home 
Tuesday  afternoons  in  January. 
125  West  Fifteenth  Street, 
New  York  City. 

Announcement  cards  should  be  sent  out 
immediately  after  the  wedding  to  every  one 
on  the  bride's  and  groom's  list.  And,  again, 
wedding  announcement  cards  need  not  be 
sent  out  in  any  one's  name.  The  follow- 
ing is  an  example: 


on  Wednesday,  January  the  eighteenth, 

EIGHTEEN  hundred  AND  NINETY-NINE 


AT  St.  Thomas'  Church 

New  York, 
Margaret  Baker  White 

TO 

Wii,i,iAM  Barton. 


Anna 

TO 

Mr.  Frank  Brown 


Washington,  D.  C. 


Married 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  29 


When  a  bride  is  an  orphan  it  is  customary 
for  the  cards  announcing  her  wedding  to  be 
sent  in  the  name  of  one  of  her  near  relatives, 
or  else  they  may  read  simply  like  the  one 
given  above. 

Wedding  announcement  cards  demand 
no  acknowledgment  from  an  acquaintance 
of  the  bride  who  lives  at  a  distance,  unless 
a  "day"  or  *'days"  are  mentioned  on  them, 
when  it  is  obligatory  to  send  visiting  cards 
on  the  "day"  or  the  first  one  of  the  "da3^s;" 
otherwise,  if  one  wishes  to  be  particularly 
polite,  one  may  send  a  visiting-card  in  ac- 
knowledgment of  the  announcement,  but  it 
is  not  obligatory  to  do  so. 

Wedding  announcements  are  sent  to 
friends  at  home  as  well  as  to  those  abroad, 
because  the  cards  are  supposed,  not  only  to 
suggest  remembrance,  but  to  express  a  de- 
sire that  the  acquaintance  should  be  con- 
tinued after  the  name  is  changed. 

The  birth  of  a  baby  is  announced  in  vari- 
ous ways,  there  being  no  especial  rules  of 
etiquette  for  making  the  announcement. 
Sometimes  engraved  cards  bearing  the  baby's 
name  and  date  of  birth  are  sent  by  them- 
selves in  small  envelopes,  into  which  they 
fit  exactly;  sometimes  they  go  in  an  envel- 
ope with  the  mother's  visiting-card,  and  are 
written  instead  of  engraved.  These  cards 
should  be  attached  to  the  mother's  visiting 


30         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


cards  by  a  piece  of  white  baby  ribbon,  wbich 
is  passed  through  a  hole  made  in  the  top  of 
both  cards  and  tied  in  a  tiny  bov/.  They 
should  be  sent  out  V\^hen  the  mother  is 
ready  to  receive  calls. 

WEDDING  INVITATIONS. 

Wedding  invitations  should  be  issued  at 
least  two  weeks  before  the  day  of  the  affair. 

It  is  customary  for  the  bridegroom  to  give 
to  the  bride's  mother  a  list  of  his  relatives 
and  friends  to  whom  he  would  like  cards 
sent,  and  some  member  of  the  bride's  family 
attends  to  it. 

When  the  guests  at  a  wedding  are  lim- 
ited to  the  immediate  family,  the  invita- 
tions may  be  personal  notes  sent  by  the 
bride's  mother.  The  notes  may  read  like 
the  following: 

My  Dear  Mary, — It  will  give  us  all  much  pleas- 
.  ure  if  you  will  come  to  the  very  qinet  wedding  of 
my  daughter  Catherine  to  Mr.  John  Martin,  on 
Saturday,  February  the  fourth,  at  twelve  o'clock, 
and  remain  to  the  little  breakfast  that  will  follow 
the  ceremony.  Only  the  members  of  the  family  will 
be  present.  Hoping  that  you  may  be  with  us  the 
fourth,  I  am, 

A ffectionately  yours, 

Anna  Brown. 

A  formal  invitation  may  read  as  follows: 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  31 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  M.  Moore 
request  the  pi.easure  of  your  presence  at 
the  marriage  of  their  daughter 

AWCE 
TO 

Charles  Ai^bert  Smith, 
Thursday  Evening,  August  twenty-fourth, 
at  eight  o'ci^ock, 
121  Seventh  Street  Bast, 
Davenport,  Iowa, 
1899. 

Another  form  is  as  follows : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Brown 

request  the  PI.EASURE  OF  YOUR  PRESENCE 
AT  THE 

marriage  breakfast  of  their  daughter 
Mary  Louise 

AND 

Mr.  Chari^es  Albert  Smith, 
.    ON  Thursday,  October  the  sixth, 

FROM  ONE  UNTIL  THREE  O' CLOCK. 

15  Prospect  Street. 

If  the  bride  is  an  orphan,  or  if  there  is 
any  very  good  reason  why  her  parents'  names 
should  not  appear  on  the  invitation,  the 
latter  ma}^  be  sent  in  the  name  of  the  mar- 
ried brother  and  his  wife,  or  in  the  name  of 
whoever  gives  the  bride  the  wedding  recep- 
tion.   It  may  read  as  follows: 


32  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Mr.  AMD  Mrs.  Chari^ks  Smith 

REQUEST  THE  HONOR  OE  YOUR  PRESENCE 
AT  THE  MARRIAGE  OF  THEIR  SISTER 
BERTHA  WlI,D 
TO 

Mr.  James  Montgomery  Brown, 
ON  Wednesday,  October  the  twei/ETh, 

at  eight  O'CIvOCK. 

2400  Fifth  Street  South. 

The  following  is  a  suitable  form  for  an 
invitation  for  a  silver  wedding : 

Twenty-fifth  Anniversary. 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  H.  Smith 
AT  Home 

Saturday  Bv'g,  December  twenty-seventh, 
Eighteen  hundred  ninety  nine, 
From  eight  to  ei^Even  o'ci<ock. 

ACCEPTANCES  AND  REGRETS. 

It  is  considered  very  rude  not  to  reply  to 
an  invitation  immediately,  either  by  note 
of  acceptance  or  regret. 

In  writing  acceptances  one  should  never 
use  *'will  accept"  for  "accepts,"  or  "to 
dinner"  instead  of  "for  dinner"  or  "to 
dine. ' ' 

In  accepting  a  dinner  invitation  one  should 
repeat  the  hour  named  in  order  that,  if  any 
mistake  has  been  made,  it  may  be  cor- 
rected. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  33 


An  acceptance  may  be  written  as  follows; 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Frank  Warren  accept  with 
pleasure  Mrs .  John  Somers'  kind  invitation  for 
Monday  evening,  October  seve?ith. 

The  following  is  a  good  form  for  a  note 
of  regret: 

Mr.  a7id  Mrs.  James  Swift  regret  that, 
owi7ig  to  sickness,  they  a7'e  nnable  to  accept 
Mrs.  Frank  Halls  kind  invitation  for  Mon- 
day evening,  March  i6th. 

In  writing  regrets,  when  it  is  possible  to 
do  so,  one  should  give  the  reason  for  not 
accepting  an  invitation. 

The  best  bred  people  agree  that  an  invi- 
tation to  a  wedding  reception  or  a  wedding 
breakfast  demands  a  response,  whether  or 
not  a  response  is  requested.  But  it  is  another 
question  when  one  receives  only  an  invi- 
tation to  a  church  ceremon}^  or  merely  an 
announcement  card  with  no  "at  home"  card 
enclosed,  and  does  not  know  the  bride  and 
groom  well  enough  to  call.  If  the  cards 
are  sent  merely  as  a  matter  of  courtesy 
because  of  business  relations  or  on  account 
of  a  former  intimacy  in  the  families,  a  call 
does  not  seem  necessar3^  In  such  cases  one 
must  judge  more  or  less  for  herself,  and  do 
what  seems  natural.  If  one  lives  in  a  small 
place  and  the  bride  comes  there  as  a 
stranger,  it  is  generally  the  best  way  to  call, 
whatever  be  the  form  of  the  cards  received. 


34         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Formal  invitations  to  a  church  wedding 
do  not  demand  an  answer,  unless  one  is 
requested,  until  the  day  of  the  ceremony, 
when  those  unable  to  attend  acknowledge 
the  invitation  with  visiting  cards  addressed 
to  the  father  and  mother  of  the  bride,  or  to 
whoever  sends  out  the  invitations  for  the 
wedding.  Invitations  to  a  wedding  recep- 
tion and  a  bride's  *'At  Home"  demand  no 
other  acknowledgment  than  visiting  cards 
sent  on  the  day  of  the  function  by  those 
unable  to  attend.  A  formal  invitation  to  a 
house  wedding  demands  the  same  acknow- 
ledgment as  an  invitation  to  a  church 
wedding. 

In  acknovv'ledging  an  invitation  to  a  wed- 
ding, a  single  woman  sends  one  of  her  visit- 
ing cards  in  an  envelope  addressed  to  the 
mother  and  father  of  the  bride  on  the  day  of 
the  wedding.  A  single  man  sends  two  of 
his  cards,  and  a  married  couple  send  one  of 
the  wife's  and  two  of  the  husband's  cards. 
To  the  bride  on  her  "At  Home"  day,  cards 
should  be  sent  in  exactly  the  same  way.  A 
wedding  reception,  if  it  takes  place  in  the 
evening,  demands  full  dress. 

It  is  verj''  courteous  to  acknowledge  the 
reception  of  a  "commencement"  invitation. 

It  is  very  bad  form  to  write  "Congratu- 
lations" on  one's  visiting  card  and  send  it 
in  answer  to  a  wedding  invitation.    If  one 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  35 


desires  to  send  her  good  wishes  to  the  bride, 
then  a  personal  note  would  be  proper. 

It  is  also  bad  form  to  send  a  visiting  card 
iwith  "Regrets"  written  in  one  corner  in- 
stead of  writing  the  proper  note. 

If,  having  accepted  an  invitation,  one 
changes  her  mind,  she  certainly  ought  to 
give  some  reason  when  writing  a  note  of 
apology. 

LETTERS. 

In  writing  letters  and  notes  of  invitation, 
acceptance,  regrets,  or  introduction,  certain 
and  specific  rules  of  etiquette,  ordained  by 
custom,  hold  despotic  sway;  and  unless  one 
is  acquainted  with  these,  he  must  be  con- 
sidered by  those  who  are,  as  more  or  less 
uncultivated. 

In  addressing  an  envelope  one  surely 
ought  to  know  that  the  first  line  of  the 
address  should  be  at  or  below  the  middle 
of  the  envelope,  and  the  address  should  be 
written  in  a  plain  hand  devoid  of  flourishes. 
The  place  for  the  stamp  is  always  the  upper 
right-hand  corner. 

In  no  way  is  one's  culture  sooner  made 
known  than  by  his  manner  of  writing  a  note 
or  letter. 

In  a  formal  business  letter  or  in  one 
commencing  "Dear  Sir"  or  "Dear  Madam," 
the  name  of  the  person  addressed  is  put  at 


36  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


the  end  of  the  letter  in  the  left-hand  cor- 
ner, but  it-  should  not  be  repeated,  if  it  is 
used  at  the  head  of  the  letter. 

The  writing  of  notes  in  the  third  person 
is  now  confined  to  notes  of  invitations, 
acceptance,  and  regret. 

^^othing  would  show  greater  ignorance 
than  signing  one's  name  to  a  note  written 
in  the  third  person. 

In  addressing  a  clergyman  it  is  customary 
to  commence  with  "Reverend  Sir."  Doc- 
tors of  Divinity  and  of  Medicine  are  thus 
distinguished:  "The  Rev.  James  Swift,  D. 
D.,"  or  "Rev.  Dr.  Swift;"  "I.  G.  Latham, 
M.  D.,"  or  "Dr.  Latham." 

In  writing  to  servants,  it  is  customary  to 
begin  thus:  "To  Mary  Bates,— Mrs.  White 
wishes,  etc." 

When  a  woman  is  writing  to  strangers  who 
will  not  know  whether  to  address  her  in  re- 
ply as  "Mrs."  or  "Miss,"  the  address  of 
the  writer  should  be  given  in  full,  after 
signing  her  letter,  as,  "Mrs.  Jane  Smith," 
followed  by  the  direction;  or,  if  unmarried, 
the  "Miss"  should  be  placed  in  marks  of  par- 
enthesis preceding  the  signature.  One 
should  never  sign  her  name  as  "Mrs."  or 
"Miss." 

The  formal  manner  of  address  in  a  note 
or  letter  written  in  the  first  person,  is^  '  'My 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  37 


Dear  Mrs.  Brown;"  the  less  formal  is  "Dear 
Mrs.  Brown."  To  an  intimate  friend  one 
ma}'  use  either.  "Dear  Mary"  is  less  for- 
mal than  "My  Dear  Mar}',"  and  yet  to  one 
who  is  near,  the  real  significance  of  the 
latter  form  is  very  sweet  and  full  of  tender 
meaning.  However,  there  are  no  rigid  laws 
to  regulate  the  correspondence  of  friends. 

When  a  woman  writes  a  personal  note  to 
a  man,  no  matter  how  slight  her  acquaint- 
ance may  be  with  him,  it  should  begin  "M}^ 
Dear  Mr.  Brown." 

Ordinary-  social  correspondence,  when 
forwarded  by  the  hand  of  an  adult  socially 
equal  with  the  sender,  should  not  be  sealed. 
If,  for  some  reason,  a  letter  must  be  sealed, 
then  the  post  or  some  other  method  of 
letter  conveyance  should  be  used. 

The  form  '  'Addressed' '  on  an  envelope  is 
merely  the  relic  of  an  old  legal  form  that 
has  no  especial  significance  nowada\'S,  but 
is  put  on  the  envelope  as  a  matter  of 
courtesy.  It  means  that  the  contents  of 
the  envelope  are  for  the  person  whose 
name  is  written  on  the  outside.  It  is  very 
seldom  used,  and  is  quite  superfluous. 

Only  letters  of  unmarried  women  and 
widows  are  addressed  with  their  baptismal 
names.  All  letters  of  married  women  should 
bear  their  husband's  names;  as,  "Mrs.  John 
Howe." 


38          PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


^.  Writing  on  the  first,  then  on  the  third, 
then  crosswise  on  the  second  and  fourth 
pages  of  a  letter,  facilitates  the  reading  and 
is  in  perfectly  good  form,  j 

It  is  very  bad  taste  for  a  doctor's  wife  to 
assume  his  title.  An  invitation  addressed 
to  them  should  read  "Dr.  and  Mrs.  Jones." 

One  should  not  write  "Mrs.  John  Brown, 
nee  lyOttie  Smith,"  because  one  is  not  born 
with  a  Christian  name;  instead,  one  would 
write  "Mrs.  John  Brown,  nee  Smith." 

The  use  of  perfumed  stationery  is  not 
general,  nor  is  it  in  good  taste. 

Any  letter  of  congratulation  received,  even 
though  it  be  from  a  person  with  whom  one 
has  only  a  slight  acquaintance,  requires  an 
answer. 

No  matter  how  fond  a  young  girl  may 
feel  of  a  man  whom  she  has  known  for 
years,  any  letters,  when  trouble  comes  to 
his  family,  should  be  addressed  to  his  wife 
and  not  to  him. 

The  fashion  that  obtains  with  reference 
to  placing  the  date  on  a  letter  is  to  place  it 
in  the  upper  right-hand  corner;  on  a  note  it 
is  usually  placed  in  the  lower  left-hand 
corner. 

A  young  girl  who  receives  letters  from  a 
man  at  the  post-of&ce  without  the  knowl- 
edge of  her  mother  is  doing  something 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  39 

wrong,  which  in  time  she  will  certainly  re- 
gret, and  which,  it  is  equally  certain,  will 
result  in  trouble. 

It  is  not  in  the  best  taste  to  write  letters  of 
friendship  on  the  typewriter,  but  it  will  al- 
ways be  excused  in  the  busy  woman. 

LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION. 

I^etters  of  introduction  are  to  be  regarded 
as  certificates  of  respectability  and  esteem, 
and  should  only  be  given  by  friends  of  the 
person  introduced  and  to  friends.  They 
should  be  brief  and  carefully  worded,  inti- 
mating the  mutual  pleasure  that  one  feels 
the  acquaintance  will  confer,  but  not  com- 
plimenting the  bearer  so  openly  that  he 
will  feel  embarrassed  in  delivering  the  let- 
ter.   Such  letters  are  left  unsealed. 

There  is  no  greater  insult  than  to  treat  a 
letter  of  introduction  with  indifference.  A 
person  thus  introduced  ought  to  be  called 
upon  at  once,  and  shown  any  other  little 
attention  within  one's  power.  In  England 
letters  of  introduction  are  called  '  'tickets  to 
soup. ' ' 

In  England  the  party  holding  a  letter  of 
introduction  never  takes  it  himself,  but 
sends  it  with  his  card.  On  the  Continent 
the  reverse  is  the  fashion.  In  America  the 
English  custom  prevails,  though  where  a 
young  man  has  a  letter  to  one  many  years 


40         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


his  senior  or  to  one  who  is  to  aid  him  in 
some  enterprise,  he  takes  it  himself  at  once. 

A  letter  of  introduction  should  be  some- 
what like  the  following: 

My  Dear  Mr.  Barnes: 

This  note  will  introduce  to  you  my  friend,  Mr. 
Charles  Smith,  whom  I  know  you  will  be  as  glad 
to  meet  as  he  will  be  glad  to  meet  you. 

Mr.  Smith  is  an  old  friend  of  mine,  and  any 
kindness  you  may  be  able  to  show  him  will  be  very 
much  appreciated  by  me. 

Faithfully  yours, 

Anna  Martin  White. 

Before  giving  a  letter  of  introduction  one 
should  be  certain  that  the  persons  intro- 
duced will  be  congenial  to  each  other.  Such 
a  letter  puts  a  certain  obligation  on  the  per- 
son to  whom  it  is  addressed:  he  will  be 
obliged  to  show  the  bearer  some  attention 
and  hospitality.  It  is,  therefore,  not  right 
to  make  the  demand  of  a  friend  unless  one 
is  certain  that  the  acquaintanceship  will 
compensate  him  for  the  trpnbl»  he  may 
take.  \ 


CHAPTER  III. 


Dinners,  Luncheons,  Breakf^as'Ts,  Teas, 
Receptions,  Dancing  Parties,  Cards, 
Parties,  Weddings,  Wedding 
Gifts,  Wedding  Anni- 
versaries. 

"Manners  aim  to  facilitate  life,  to  get  rid  of 
impediments." 

DINNERS.* 

A  "dinner"  is  supposed  to  be  an  elaborate 
affair,  with  numerous  courses  and  ample  ser- 
vice, and  is  usually  given  at  seven  or  eight 
o'clock  in  the  evening.  At  a  dinner  the 
number  of  courses  naturally  varies  according 
to  the  taste  and  financial  condition  of  the 
hostess.  (For  arrangement  of  the  table,  see 
Chapter  VI.) 

For  a  formal  dinner  the  courses  usually 
consist  of  soup,  fish,  a  roast  with  one  or 
more  vegetables,  a  salad,  an  ice  or  icecream, 
cakes,  bonbons,  and  black  coffee.  Olives 
and  salted  almonds,  jellies,  etc.,  generally 
appear  in  some  of  the  courses. 

*Ln  looking  up  any  one  point  in  this  book, — as 
"dinners,"  for  instance, — one  will  be  obliged  some- 
times to  refer  to  more  than  one  place.  Chapter  II., 
under  * 'Notes  of  Invitation,"  and  Chapter  I.,  under 
its  three  different  heads,  contain  more  or  less  infor- 
mation concerning  "dinners,"  which  it  seems  diffi- 
cult to  classify  anymore  closely  than  has  been  done. 

41 


42  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


Although  the  following  really  belongs 
under  the  head  of  ^'The  Table"  and  "Ser- 
vice at  Table,"  a  repetition  here  may  not 
come  amiss. 

The  attendant  places  each  dish,  in  suc- 
cession, before  the  host  or  hostess  with  the 
pile  of  plates.  Bach  plate  is  supplied,  taken 
by  the  attendant  on  a  small  salver,  and  set, 
from  the  left,  before  the  guest.  A  second 
dish  which  belongs  to  the  course  is  pre- 
sented at  the  left  of  the  guest,  who  helps 
himself.  As  a  rule  the  woman  at  the  right 
of  the  host,  or  the  eldest  woman,  should  be 
served  first.  As  soon  as  a  course  is  finished, 
the  plates  are  promptly  removed,  and  the 
next  course  is  served  in  the  same  way. 
Before  the  dessert  is  brought  on,  all  crumbs 
should  be  brushed  from  the  cloth.  The 
finger  bowls,  which  are  brought  in  on  a 
napkin  on  a  dessert-plate  and  set  at  the  left 
of  the  plate,  are  used  by  dipping  the  fingers 
in  lightly  and  drying  them  on  the  napkin. 
They  should  be  half  full  of  warm  water  with 
a  bit  of  lemon  floating  in  it.  When  all 
have  finished  dessert,  the  hostess  gives  the 
signal,  by  pushing  back  her  chair,  that  din- 
ner is  ended,  and  the  guests  repair  to  the 
drawing-room,  the  oldest  leading  and  the 
youngest  following  last,  the  men  passing 
into  the  library  or  smoking-room. 

Seemingly,  one  should  arrive  at  the  house 
where  one  is  invited  to  a  dinner  or  a 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  43 


luncheon  at  exactly  the  hour  mentioned  in 
the  invitation;  but  the  proper  thing  at  a 
formal  function  is  to  get  to  the  house  ten 
minutes  after  the  hour  of  the  meal,  and  to 
be  announced  in  the  drawing-room  five' 
minutes  later. 

The  host,  with  the  guest  of  honor,  leads 
the  way  into  the  dining-room  at  a  dinner; 
at  a  luncheon  the  hostess  leads  the  way 
alone  or  with  one  of  the  guests. 

^Fifteen  minutes  is  the  longest  time  re- 
quired to  wait  for  a  tardy  guest  when  the 
dinner  hour  was  understood,  as  it  always 
should  be. 

If  the  hostess  thinks  the  visitor  has  no 
acquaintances  in  the  room,  she  introduces 
her  to  two  or  three  persons  who  are  near 
her,  and  then,  counting  on  her  knowledge 
of  the  customs  of  society,  she  will  feel  quite 
sure  that  her  guest  will  enjoy  herself. 

A  hostess  should  never  reprove  a  sen^ant 
before  a  guest,  as  it  is  unpleasant  for  all 
concerned,  and  by  passing  over  the  annoy- 
ance herself,  it  may  escape  the  attention  of 
others. 

No  accident  must  seem  to  distrub  a  hostess, 
no  disappointment  embarrass  her. 

At  formal  dinner  parties  the  ser\"ant  who 
is  detailed  to  attend  to  the  wants  of  the  men 
guests  hands  each  one,  as  he  leaves  the 


44  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


dressing-room,  an  envelope  containing  a 
card  bearing  the  name  of  the  woman  whom 
he  is  to  take  to  dinner. 

LUNCHEONS. 

Luncheons  are  usually  given  between  the 
hours  of  one  and  two  o'clock  in  the  after- 
noon, and  to  them  women  only  are  invited. 
The  menu  is  lighter  than  for  a  dinner,  and 
generally  consists  of  sherbets,  oyster  patties, 
scalloped  oysters,  sweet-breads,  sandwiches, 
salads,  ices,  cheese  sticks,  fruit,  ice  cream, 
cakes,  bonbons,  salted  almonds,  olives,  and 
black  coffee,  served  in  such  number  and 
order  of  courses  as  best  suits  the  hostess. 

BREAKFASTS. 

The  difference  between  a  breakfast  and  a 
luncheon  is  very  slight.  On  the  invitation 
the  word  breakfast  is  used  instead  of  lunch- 
eon, and  the  hour  is  earlier  than  for  a  lunch- 
eon. Also  men  and  woman  may  meet  to- 
gether for  a  breakfast,  and  therefore  a  few 
more  solid  courses  are  advisable.  Other- 
wise one  may  be  guided  entirely  in  giving 
the  entertainment  by  the  rules  which  apply 
to  a  luncheon. 

TEAS. 

A  tea  is  the  simplest  and  easiest  kind  of 
an  entertainment  to  give,  for  the  only 
essential  requisites  for  its  success  are  prettily 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  45 


arranged  receiving- rooms,  with  as  many 
flowers  as  one  can  afibrd;  a  gracious  hostess, 
who  stands  during  the  hours  of  the  function 
to  receive  her  guests  and  is  properly  dressed 
in  a  becoming  high-necked  house  dress;  a 
few  other  women,  who  also  receive  in  pretty 
dresses;  and  a  dainty  tea  table,  which  may 
be  presided  over  by  a  woman  friend  or  two 
of  the  hostess.  It  is  only  necessary  to  serve 
a  modest  menu  of  tea,  chocolate  or  bouillon, 
assorted  sandwiches,  fancy  cakes,  and  bon- 
bons. The  other  factors  to  the  tea's  success 
are  pleasant  weather  and  well  trained  ser- 
vants, who  may  assist  in  serving  the  tea 
and  are  alert  to  open  and  close  the  door  for 
the  guests. 

At  a  formal  function  of  any  kind  the  guests 
leave  their  wraps  in  dressing-rooms,  where 
one  or  more  maids  should  be  on  hand  to  assist 
women  in  their  dressing-room,  and  a  man 
to  perform  the  same  services  in  the  men's 
dressing-room;  but  at  a  small  tea,  where,  as 
a  rule,  the  guests  do  not  remove  their  street 
wraps,  it  is  only  necessary  to  have  a  maid 
in  the  entrance  hall  to  be  ready,  if  called  on, 
to  do  any  service. 

It  is  not  customary  to  offer  refreshments 
to  casual  evening  callers;  but  if  one  has  a 
regular  evening  for  receiving,  she  may  have 
a  tea  table  in  the  drawing-room,  and  serve 
tea,  chocolate,  sandwiches,  cake,  etc.,  as  in 
entertaining  on  the  afternoon  of  a  **day." 


46  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


RECEPTIONS. 

On  the  day  of  the  reception,  the  hostess, 
with  her  assistants,  should  receive  the 
guests,  standing  at  the  door  of  the  drawing- 
room.  The  refreshment  tables  should  be 
spread  in  the  dining-room,  and  prettily 
decorated  with  flowers,  candles  in  candel- 
abra or  candlesticks,  dishes  of  bonbons  and 
cakes,  plates  of  sandwiches,  and  platters  of 
salad.  A  bouillon  urn  may  stand  at  one 
end  of  the  table  with  cups,  and  coffee  may 
be  served  from  the  other  end.  All  that  is 
necessary  for  the  menu  is  bouillon,  easily 
prepared  in  the  house  from  canned  bouillon, 
jellied  tongue,  chicken  salad,  and  sand- 
wiches, ices  and  cake,  fruit,  and  candies. 
Coffee  and  lemonade  will  suffice  for  bever- 
ages. If  one  can  aflord  to  have  a  few  pieces 
of  music,  so  much  the  better.  The  musi- 
cians should  play  from  some  hidden  nook. 
One  or  two  servants  in  the  dining-room,  and 
one  to  open  and  shut  the  front  door,  will  be 
all  that  is  necessary. 

DANCING  PARTIES. 

For  the  form  of  invitation  refer  to  Chap- 
ter II. 

In  selecting  a  company  for  a  dancing 
party  the  hostess  will  naturally  choose  only 
those  who  dance,  and  she  should  see,  as  far 
as  possible,  that  all  the  women  are  provided 
with  partners. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  47 


It  is  better  to  dance  first  with  one  acquain- 
tance and  then  with  another,  rather  than  to 
make  one's  self  conspicuous  by  giving  a 
great  number  of  dances  to  one  man. 
\iK  man  gives  the  first  and  last  dances  to 
his  partner  of  the  evening.7 

No  man  should  invite  a  young  woman  to 
attend  a  dress  affair  without  providing  a 
carriage  for  her.  When  the  party  is  small 
and  informal,  it  is  allowable  to  go  on  the 
street-cars. 

At  the  end  of  the  dance,  the  man  should 
offer  his  arm  to  his  partner,  and  take  at  least 
one  turn  around  the  room  before  consigning 
her  to  her  seat. 

A  man  who  can  dance,  and  will  not, 
ought  to  remain  away  from  a  ball. 
_Jf  for  any  reason  a  girl  should  refuse  to 
dance  with  one  man,  she  should  not  accept 
another  invitation  for  the  same  dance. 

An  invitation  to  a  ball  may  be  asked  for  a 
friend  who  is  a  stranger  in  town,  and  has 
had  no  opportunity  of  making  the  acquain- 
tance of  the  one  who  gives  the  ball. 

A  man  should  not  ask  a  girl,  to  whom  he 
has  been  introduced  for  the  purpose  of  danc- 
ing with  her,  for  more  than  two  dances  the 
same  evening. 

CARD  PARTIES. 

If  given,  prizes  should  be  carefully  chosen, 
so  that  they  may  be  in  good  taste  and 


48  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


desirable.  The  supper  should  be  served  at 
the  card  tables  after  the  the  playing  is  over. 
A  large  napkin  should  be  spread  on  the  top 
of  each  table,  and  the  refreshments  served 
in  courses. 

WEDDINGS. 

For  invitation  forms  see  Chapter  II. 

When  a  wedding  takes  place  in  a  church 
that  has  but  one  entrance,  the  customary 
way  for  the  bridal  procession  to  enter  is 
for  the  groom  and  best  man  to  walk  in  just 
behind  the  minister,  a  little  before  the  others, 
and  to  take  their  places  at  the  altar;  then 
the  ushers  enter,  walking  two  by  two;  then 
the  bridesmaids  in  the  same  order;  then  the 
maid  of  honor  alone;  and  last  the  bride  on 
her  father's  arm.  The  bride's  family  enter 
the  church  a  few  minutes  before  the  minis- 
ter and  the  groom  and  bridal  party. 

A  bride  goes  up  to  the  altar  with  her  veil 
over  her  face,  but  comes  down  with  it 
thrown  back.  It  is  the  duty  of  the  maid 
of  honor  to  throw  it  back  immediately  after 
the  ceremony  is  ended. 

When  the  bride's  mother  gives  her  away 
at  a  church  ceremony,  she  usually  walks  up 
the  aisle  with  the  bride.  After  she  has 
given  her  to  the  groom,  she  steps  quietly 
and  unescorted  to  the  front  pew,  where  she 
stays  during  the  remainder  of  the  service. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  49 


The  bride  may  walk  up  the  aisle  with  an 
attendant  instead  of  with  her  mother,  who 
in  this  case  steps  from  her  seat  in  the  front 
pew  to  the  chancel  when  the  time  comes 
for  her  to  officiate,  and  steps  back  to  her 
seat  afterwards. 

The  bride  and  the  groom  should  stand  at 
the  wedding  reception  until  they  have  re- 
ceived the  congratulations  of  all  present, 
then,  together,  they  should  walk  into  the 
room  where  the  breakfast  is  to  be  served. 
The  others  follow  as  they  please,  with  the 
exception  of  the  parents  on  both  sides.  The 
groom's  father  usually  escorts  the  bride's 
mother,  and  vice  versa. 

It  is  not  the  custom  for  a  bride  to  remove 
her  gloves  at  the  wedding.  The  inside 
seam  of  the  ring  finger  of  the  glove  should 
be  ripped  beforehand;  and  when  the  time 
comes  for  the  ring  to  be  put  on,  the  bride 
merely  slips  off  this  glove  finger,  and  puts 
it  back  again  after  the  ring  is  on  her  finger. 

At  no  wedding  service  is  it  proper  for  the 
bride  to  enter  the  church  alone. 

At  a  church  or  house  wedding  where  the 
bride  walks  up  the  aisle  with  her  sister 
acting  as  the  maid  of  honor,  instead  of  with 
a  gentleman  escort,  she  need  not  take  the 
arm  of  her  attendant,  as  both  the  ladies  will 
look  more  graceful  if  walking  separately. 
The  maid  of  honor  should  carry  a  bouquet, 


50  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


and  the  bride  a  bouquet,  prayer-book,  or 
bible. 

At  a  home  wedding  the  bride  enters  the 
room  on  the  arm  of  her  father.  With  a 
short  dress  she  would  not  wear  a  veil. 

The  wearing  of  gloves  at  an  informal 
wedding  is  entirely  a  matter  of  taste. 
Recently  at  several  large  weddings  they 
were  omitted  by  the  entire  bridal  party. 

jXhe  prettiest  way  to  make  an  aisle  for 
the  bridal  party  at  a  house  wedding  is  for 
four  children  to  enter  the  room  where  the 
ceremony  will  be,  just  before  the  bridal 
party  comes  in,  and  separate  the  guests  into 
two  groups  by  stretching  two  pieces  of 
white  ribbon  the  length  of  the  room.  A 
child  stands  at  each  end  of  the  two  pieces 
of  ribbon,  holding  it  while  the  bridal  party 
walks  up  between  them,  and  during  the  serv- 
ice. Ushers  may  hold  the  ribbons  instead 
of  the  children,  or  the  ends  may  be  fastened 
around  plants  which  are  placed  at  the  requi- 
site points. 

Where  there  is  no  side  door  through 
which  the  groom  and  best  man  may  enter 
the  room  ar  a  house  wedding,  they  come  in 
by  the  principal  door  just  before  the  bridal 
party  and  just  after  the  minister. 

It  is  not  customary  for  the  men  at  a  wed- 
ding party  to  kiss  the  bride;  that  is  a  lib- 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  51 


erty  taken  only  by  the  immediate  members 
of  the  family. 

A  bride,  if  she  wishes,  may  omit  the 
bridal  veil,  but  she  should  then  wear  a 
dainty  bonnet  or  picture  hat.  The  ushers 
and  best  men  are  invited  by  the  bride- 
groom. 

If  the  church  wedding  is  a  full  dress  one, 
followed  by  an  evening  reception,  it  is 
proper  to  wear  an  evening  gowm.  If  it  is 
in  the  daytime,  a  handsome  visiting  dress 
and  pretty  bonnet  are  proper. 

At  a  daytime  wedding  the  guests  seldom 
remove  their  bonnets,  although,  of  course, 
heavy  wraps  are  frequently  laid  aside.  At 
an  evening  afi"air  one  goes  in  full  dress  with- 
out anything  on  one's  head.  The  ushers 
present  the  guests  to  the  bridal  party.  The 
bridesmaids  are  spoken  to  by  the  people 
they  know,  but  it  is  not  necessary  that  they 
should  be  addressed  by  everybody. 

A  bride  may  wear  her  wedding  dress 
after  her  wedding  day  as  much  or  as  little 
as  she  chooses.  For  the  sake  of  sentiment 
many  brides  like  to  preserve  their  w^edding 
dresses  intact  to  hand  down  to  future  gen- 
erations; but  a  girl  who  has  to  consider 
economy  cannot  afford  to  consider  senti- 
ment, and  often  the  w^edding  dress  is  con- 
verted into  a  low  dinner  and  evening  gowm 
soon  after  the  wedding  day.    A  bride  may, 


52  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


with  perfect  propriety,  wear  her  wedding 
dress  to  the  reception  given  her  after  her 
w^edding  by  the  groom's  mother.  Of  course, 
she  will  wear  it  just  as  it  was  when  she  was 
married,  high  in  the  neck  unless  the  recep- 
tion takes  place  in  the  evening  and  demands 
evening  dress,  when,  according  to  the  con- 
ventions, it  must  be  cut  low. 

A  bridegroom  is  always  expected  to  fur- 
nish the  bouquets  that  the  bride,  brides- 
maids, and  all  the  bride's  attendants  carry 
at  the  wedding.  He  should  learn  from  the 
bride  the  flowers  she  wishes,  and  should 
order  them  several  days  before  the  wed- 
ding, so  that  they  may  be  ready  at  the 
bride's  house  when  the  bridesmaids  meet 
there  to  go  together  to  the  church  or  to  the 
place  where  the  ceremony  is  held. 

Besides  furnishing  these  bouquets,  the 
groom  provides  the  ushers  and  best  men 
with  their  boutonnieres,  and  gives  them  also 
some  small  souvenir,  and,  if  he  wishes,  a 
bachelor  dinner  or  supper  a  day  or  two  be- 
fore the  wedding. 

There  are  no  wedding  luncheons  nowa- 
days. Every  entertainment  of  the  kind  up 
to  two  o'clock  is  called  a  breakfast,  and 
when  it  takes  place  in  the  afternoon  or 
evening  it  is  called  a  reception. 

WEDDING  GIFTS. 
The  idea  that  a  wedding  invitation  neces- 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  53 


sitates  a  present  has,  sensibly  enough,  gone 
out  of  fashion,  and  only  those  who  are 
bound  by  ties  of  blood  or  close  friendship 
have  the  privilege  of  sending  a  gift  to  the 
bride. 

Presents  should  be  sent  as  soon  after  re- 
ceiving the  invitations  as  possible.  All  wed- 
ding gifts,  even  from  friends  of  the  groom 
who  may  never  have  met  the  bride,  are  sent 
to  the  bride;  and,  if  marked,  they  should 
be  engraved  with  the  initials  or  monogram 
of  the  bride's  maiden  name,  or  they  may 
have  her  name  in  full. 

Wedding  presents  should  be  acknowl- 
edged by  the  bride- elect  in  a  short  personal 
note,  which  should  be  written  and  sent  im- 
mediately on  receipt  of  the  present. 

When  several  friends  combine  in  giving  a 
present  to  the  bride,  she  should  write  a  let- 
ter of  thanks  to  each  one  separately,  send- 
ing the  letters  by  post. 

It  is  perfectly  proper  to  open  a  gift  in  the 
presence  of  the  giver,  and  express  one's 
pleasure  and  gratitude  on  the  spot.  Indeed, 
it  is  much  better  form  to  do  so  than  to  wait 
until  the  giver  has  gone. 

WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES. 

The  paper  wedding,  so  termed,  is  cele- 
brated one  year  after  marriage.  Invitations 
should  be  be  issued  on  heavy  gray  paper  or 


54          PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


thin  card-board.  Presents  may  consist  of 
any  article  made  of  paper  or  papier  macM; 
such,  for  instance,  as  books,  engravings, 
etc. 

The  wooden  wedding  is  celebrated  five 
years  after  marriage.  Invitations  may  be 
issued  upon  wooden  cards,  or  wooden  cards 
may  be  inclosed  with  an  invitation  written 
or  engraved  upon  a  sheet  of  wedding  note 
paper.  The  presents  may  be  anything 
made  of  wood,  from  a  mustard  spoon  to  a 
house  or  set  of  furniture. 

The  tin  wedding  comes  ten  years  after 
marriage.  Invitation  cards  are  sometimes 
covered  with  tin  foil,  or  tin  cards  are  in- 
closed, or,  if  preferred,  the  invitation  is 
printed  on  tin  bronze  paper.  Presents 
should  consist  of  articles  made  of  tin. 

The  crystal  wedding,  fifteen  years  after 
marriage,  is  next  in  order.  Cards  may  be 
issued  upon  transparent  paper,  or  upon 
note  paper  with  a  card  of  isinglass  inclosed. 

The  china  wedding  takes  place  twenty 
years  after  marriage.  Semi-transparent 
cardboard  will  answer  for  the  invitations. 

The  silver  wedding  is  celebrated  on  the 
twenty-fifth  anniversary,  and  is  generally  an 
occasion  of  much  more  importance  than  any 
of  the  foregoing  anniversaries.  The  invi- 
tations may  be  printed  on  silver  paper,  and 
the  presents  are,  of  course,  articles  of  silver. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


55 


The  golden  wedding,  celebrated  on  the 
fiftieth  anniversary  of  the  marriage,  may  be 
said  to  be  the  one  in  which  the  young  do 
homage  to  the  old.  It  should  be  conducted 
by  the  near  relatives  or  friends  of  the 
couple,  and  the  occasion  should  be  made 
one  of  retrospect,  of  encouragement,  and  of 
congratulation.  The  invitations  should  be 
on  white  paper  in  gold  letters,  and  the 
presents  should  be  of  gold. 

At  each  of  these  anniversaries  it  is 
customary  to  have  the  marriage  ceremony 
re-performed,  and  all  arrangements  for  the 
celebration  are  made  in  about  the  same 
manner  as  for  the  first  marriage. 


CHAPTER  IV. 


CONVHRSATION,     ChAPKRONAGK,  MAR- 

RiAGK,   Domestic  Etiquktti: 
AND  Duties. 


"Manners  are  not  idle,  but  are  the  fruit  of 
noble  natures  and  of  loyal  minds." 

CONVERSATION. 

The  late  Dr.  George  Ripley  was  wont  to 
say  that  the  secret  of  being  agreeable  in 
conversation  was  to  be  honorable  to  the 
ideas  of  others.  He  affirmed  that  some 
people  only  half  listened  to  you,  because 
they  were  considering,  even  while  you 
spoke,  with  what  fine  words,  what  wealth 
of  wit,  they  should  reply,  and  they  began 
to  speak  almost  before  your  sentence  had 
died  upon  your  lips.  These  people,  he  said, 
might  be  brilliant,  witty,  dazzling,  but 
never  could  they  be  agreeable.  You  do  not 
love  to  talk  to  them.  You  feel  that  they 
are  impatient  for  their  turn  to  come,  and 
that  they  have  no  hospitality  towards  your 
thoughts — none  of  that  gentle  friendliness 
which  asks  your  idea  and  makes  much  of  it. 
This  want  of  hospitality  to  other  people's 
ideas  often  has  its  root  in  egotism,  but  it  is 
equally  apt  to  be  the  growth  of  a  secret 

56 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  57 


want  of  self-confidence,  a  fear  that  one  will 
not  be  ready  to  take  one's  own  part  wel] , — an 
uneasy  self-conscionsness  which  makes  real 
sympathetic  attention  to  the  ideas  of  others 
impossible. 

Agreeability,  readiness  in  conversation, 
tact  and  graciousness  of  manner  are  great 
aids  to  popularity.  To  possess  these  quali- 
ties one  must  have  marked  consideration  for 
others,  and  be  ev^er  ready  to  manifest  it. 
One  should  also  be  ready  to  recall  faces  and 
names. 

Though  one  has  but  few  facts  and  ideas 
to  draw  upon,  she  may  still,  by  making  suf- 
ficient effort,  become  a  fair  conversational- 
ist. If  one  despair  in  this  direction,  she 
may  at  least  train  herself  to  become  an  in- 
teresting listener,  and  she  will  be  surprised 
to  find  how  popular  she  will  be;  for  three- 
quarters  of  the  world  like  to  talk,  while  to 
listen  intelligently  is  a  great  talent.  The 
good  listener,  by  her  evident  interest  in,  and 
S3^mpathetic  attention  to,  the  matter  of  con- 
versation, brings  out  all  that  is  best  in  the 
one  with  whom  she  talks.  Diffident  people 
forget  their  shyness  in  her  presence,  and 
leave  her  with  the  comfortable  and  novel 
conviction  that  they  have,  after  all,  ac- 
quitted themselves  rather  well. 

No  well-bred  person  would  be  guilty  of 
the  gross  rudeness  of  picking  up  a  book  or 


58         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


magazine  and  "looking  through"  it  while 
pretending  to  pay  heed  to  the  talk  of  a 
friend.  The  assurance,  "I  am  only  looking 
at  the  pictures  of  this  magazine,  not  reading, 
and  I  hear  every  v/ord  you  say,' '  is  no  palli- 
ation of  the  offence.  The  speaker  would  be 
justified  in  refusing  to  continue  the  con- 
versation until  the  pictures  had  been  prop- 
erly studied.  If  a  speech  is  worth  hearing, 
it  is  worthy  of  respectful  and  earnest  atten- 
tion. 

No  one  should  ever  monopolize  the  con- 
versation, unless  he  wishes  to  win  for  him- 
self the  name  of  a  bore. 

A  well-educated  and  finely  cultured  per- 
son proclaims  himself  by  the  simplicity  and 
terseness  of  his  language. 

In  conversation  all  provincialisms,  affecta- 
tions of  foreign  accents,  mannerisms,  exag- 
gerations, and  slang  are  detestable. 

Flippancy  is  as  much  an  evidence  of  ill- 
breeding  as  is  the  perpetual  smile,  the 
wandering  eye,  the  vacant  stare,  or  the  half- 
open  mouth  of  the  man  who  is  preparing  to 
break  in  upon  the  conversation.  . 

Interruption  of  the  speech  of  others  is  a 
great  sin  against  good  breeding. 

Anecdotes  should  be  sparsely  introduced 
into  a  conversation,  lest  they  become  stale. 
E-epartee  must  be  indulged  in  with  moder- 
ation .    Puns  are  considered  vulgar  by  many. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  59 


In  addressing  persons  with  titles,  one 
ought  alwa5^s  to  add  the  name:  as,  "What 
do  3'ou  think,  Doctor  Graves?"  not,  "What 
do  you  think,  Doctor?' ' 

The  great  secret  of  talking  well  is  to 
adapt  one's  conversation  skillfully  to  the 
hearers. 

In  a  tete-a-tete  conversation,  it  is  ex- 
tremely ill-bred  to  drop  the  voice  to  a  whis- 
per, or  to  converse  on  private  matters. 

One  should  never  try  to  hide  the  lips  in 
talking  b}^  putting  up  the  hand  or  a  fan. 

One  should  avoid  long  conversations  in 
society  with  members  of  his  own  family. 

_If  an  unfinished  conversation  is  continued 
after  the  entrance  of  a  visitor,  its  import 
should  be  explained  to  him. 

jThough  bores  find  their  account  in  speak- 
ing ill  or  well  of  themselves,  it  is  the  char- 
acteristic of  a  gentlernan  that  he  never 
speaks  of  himself  at  all.  La  Eurj^ere  says: 
"The  great  charm  of  conversation  consists 
less  in  the  display  of  one's  own  wit  and 
intelligence  than  in  the  power  to  draw  forth 
the  resources  of  others;  he  who  leaves  one 
after  along  conversation,  pleased  with  him- 
self and  the  part  he  has  taken  in  the  dis- 
course, will  be  the  other's  vv^armest  admirer." 

In  society  the  absent-minded  man  is 
uncivil. 


60          PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


There  are  many  persons  who  commence 
speaking  before  they  know  what  they  are 
going  to  say.  The  ill-natured  world,  Which 
never  misses  an  opportunity  of  being  severe, 
declares  them  to  be  foolish  and  destitute  of 
brains. 

He  who  knows  the  world,  will  not  be  too 
bashful;  he  who  knows  himself,  will  not  be 
imprudent . 

There  is  no  surer  sign  of  vulgarity  than 
the  perpetual  boasting  of  fine  things  at 
home. 

One  should  be  careful  how  freely  he 
ofi'ers  advice. 

If  one  keeps  silent  sometimes  upon  sub- 
jects of  which  he  is  known  to  be  a  judge, 
his  silence,  when  from  ignorance,  will  not 
discover  him. 

One  should  not  argue  a  point  when  it  is 
possible  to  avoid  it,  but  when  he  does  argue> 
he  should  do  so  in  a  gentlemanly  and  dis- 
passionate manner. 

One  should  never  notice  any  mistakes  in 
the  language  of  others. 

CHAPERONAGE. 
The  foreign  custom  that  makes  a  chape- 
rone  indispensable  where  young  people  are 
gathered  together  at  places  of  public  enter- 
tainment, has  long  obtained  in  the  cities  of 
the  Kast,  and  in  all  conventional  com- 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  61 


munities  ever^^where.  Xo  reall}^  fashionable 
part}^  is  made  up  without  a  chaperone. 

A  3^oung  woman  condemns  herself  in  the 
eyes  of  good  society  who  is  observed  to 
enter  alone  with  a  young  man  a  place  of 
public  refreshment,  be  the  restaurant  or  tea 
room  ever  so  select.  Bred  under  other  con- 
ditions of  a  societ}^  so  necessarily  varying  as 
that  in  our  broad  iVmerica,  a  stranger  visit- 
ing New  York,  for  instance,  might  readily 
and  innocently  make  a  mistake  of  this 
nature,  and  blush  at  finding  herself  con- 
demned for  it.  In  the  same  category  of 
offenses  is  ranked  that  of  maidens  visiting 
places  of  public  amusement  under  the  escort 
of  3'oung  men  alone.  Man}'  parts  of  the 
South  and  West  allow  this  to  be  done  with 
the  smiling  consent  of  good  society;  but  in 
Eastern  cities  it  is  considered  a  violation  of 
good  form,  and  for  the  comfort,  if  not  the 
convenience,  of  the  girl  considering  it,  had 
better  be  ranked  among  the  lost  privileges 
upon  which  social  evolution  ma}"  look  back 
with  fond  regret. 

It  is  always  wisest,  w^hen  a  number  of 
young  people  are  to  have  a  party,  to  ask  two 
or  three  married  women  to  be  present,  not 
only  for  propriety's  sake,  but  because  there 
will  then  be  no  danger  of  anything  unwished 
for  happening,  inasmuch  as  it  is  the  duty  of 
the  chaperones  to  make  all  social  entertain- 
ments smooth  and  pleasant. 


62  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


When  it  is  necessary  for  a  girl  to  pay  long 
visits  to  a  dentist's  office,  she  should  be 
accompanied  either  by  her  mother,  or  some 
woman  relative,  or  maid. 

The  etiquette  of  chaperonage  is  much  less 
strict  for  a  young  widow  than  for  an  un- 
married girl  of  the  same  age;  but  it  is  im- 
portant and  in  good  taste  for  a  woman  who 
is  a  widow  to  be  very  quiet  and  incon- 
spicuous in  all  she  does,  giving  by  her  be- 
havior no  opportunity  for  criticism. 

MARRIAGE. 

A  young  girl's  own  safety,  as  regards  her 
present  and  future  happiness,  demands  that 
she  receive  attentions  from  only  the  best  of 
young  men, — those  of  whom  her  reason 
would  approve,  if  the  acquaintance  should 
lead  to  more  than  acquaintance. 

Parents  should  carefully  watch  the  young 
men  who  frequent  their  houses,  in  order  to 
see  that  undesirable  intimacies  are  not 
formed  with  their  daughters,  for  friendships 
and  intimacies  soon  lead  to  love. 

Many  a  girl,  feeling  convinced  that  she  had 
loved  unwisely,  has  entered  upon  the  mar- 
ried state  with  heart  and  reason  at  variance, 
when  she  might  have  given  up  the  acquain- 
tance, in  the  beginning  of  it,  very  easily. 

The  most  perfect  reserve  in  courtship, 
even  in  cases  of  the  most  ardent  attachment, 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  63 


is  indispensable  to  the  confidence  and  trust 
of  married  life  to  come. 

All  public  display  of  devotion  should  be 
avoided,  for  it  tends  to  lessen  mutual  respect, 
and  it  makes  the  actors  ridiculous  in  the 
eyes  or  others.  It  is  quite  possible  for  a 
man  to  show  every  conceivable  attention  to 
the  one  to  whom  he  is  engaged,  and  yet  to 
avoid  committing  the  slightest  offence 
against  delicacy  or  good  taste. 

It  is  quite  possible  for  a  man  to  show 
attention,  and  even  assiduity  up  to  a  certain 
point,  without  becoming  a  lover;  and  it  is 
equally  possible  for  the  girl  to  let  it  be  seen 
that  he  is  not  disagreeable  to  her,  without 
actually  encouraging  him.  No  man  likes 
to  be  refused,  and  no  man  of  tact  will  risk 
a  refusal. 

Long  engagements  are  usually  entered 
into  by  people  who  are  quite  young,  but 
who,  for  some  reason,  cannot  marry.  As 
the  years  go  on  their  tastes  may  change, 
and  yet  each  may  feel  that  honor  binds  the 
one  to  the  other.  The  woman  chosen  by  a 
man  when  he  is  twenty-one  is  seldom  the 
woman  he  would  chose  when  he  is  forty. 
When  people  .  marry  young  they  grow 
accustomed  to  each  other,  and,  oddly 
enough,  they  grow  to  be  alike;  but  during 
a  long  engagement  their  tastes  are  apt  to 
change,  and  the  result  is  apt  to  be  anything 


64  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


but  a  happy  one.  Of  course,  there  are  ex- 
ceptions, but,  generalizing,  the  long 
engagement  is  to  be  feared. 

DOMESTIC  ETIQUETTE  AND  DUTIES. 

Etiquette  is  a  comprehensive  term,  and  its 
observances  are  nowhere  more  to  be  desired 
than  in  the  domestic  circle. 

If  husbands  and  wives,  generally,  would 
render  each  other  half  of  the  little  attentions 
they  lavished  upon  each  other  before  mar- 
riage, their  mutual  happiness  would  be 
more  than  doubled. 

A  wife  should  never  let  her  husband  have 
cause  to  complain  that  she  is  more  agreeable 
abroad  than  at  home,  nor  see  her  negligent  of 
dress  and  manners  at  home  when  it  is  the 
reverse  in  company. 

If,  unhappily,  any  misunderstandings  or 
annoyances  occur  between  husband  and 
wife,  it  is  ill-bred  and  unjust  for  either  to 
repeat  them  to  a  third  person. 

Faithful  unto  death  in  all  things  should 
be  the  motto  of  both  husband  and  wife;  and 
forbearance  with  each  other's  peculiarities, 
their  never-ending  effort  to  attain. 

If  a  girl  discovers  very  soon  after  her 
marriage  that  she  has  made  a  mistake,  it  is 
wisest  for  her  to  make  the  best  of  it;  she 
should  look  for  all  that  is  good  in  her  hus- 
band and  try  to  forget  that  which  she  dis- 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  65 


likes.    There  are  times  when  a  legal  sepa- 
ration is  necessary,  but  when  people  marry 
they  marry  for  better  or  for  worse,  and  if, 
unfortunately,  it  should  be  for  worse,  even 
that  does  not  release  them  from  the  solemn 
vows  which  they  have  taken. 
/    It  is  not  in  good  taste  for  a  husband  and 
/  wife  to  call  each  other  by  endearing  names 
/  in  the  presence  of  others.  / 
A  man  has  no  right  whatever  to  open  his 
wife's  mail,  but  a  woman  should  not  receive 
any  letters  that  she  would  not  be  willing 
that  her  husband  should  see. 


CHAPTER  V. 


Drkss,   G1.0VES,   Strkkt  Ktiquktt:^, 
TravkIvIng,  B1CYC1.1NG, 

PHONING. 


"Refinement  of  character  is  said  never  to 
be  found  with  vulgarity  of  dress." 

DRESS. 

In  appropriateness  our  people  have  some- 
thing to  learn,  as  has  the  whole  world,  for 
that  matter.  Necklaces  and  jewels  in  the 
morning  are  monstrous,  no  matter  what  the 
fashion  of  the  moment  may  be,  and  there 
will  come  a  time  when  every  one  will  look 
upon  them  with  horror,  as  every  one,  in- 
deed, used  to  do. 

The  day  is  past  when  latitude  or  great 
variety  in  dress  is  considered  original. 
Clothes,  if  they  are  startling  at  all,  must  be 
startling  in  a  degree  to  be  borne.  A  train 
cannot  be  worn  where  only  a  short  skirt  is 
in  order,  nor  can  an  abbreviated  drapery  go 
where  full  dress  is  required.  A  garden 
party,  for  instance,  or  an  out-of-door  tea  at 
a  private  house  demands  a  muslin,  a  silk, 
or,  at  any  rate,  an  elaborate  toilet,  while  at 
a  golf  club,  such  dress  is  absurd,  except  for 
the  elderly  or  non-players.   In  winter,  frills 

66 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  67 


and  furbelows,  if  they  are  worn  at  all,  are 
worn  at  large  teas,  the  plain  tailor-made 
suit  having  gone  out  for  such  purposes. 
However,  it  is  difficult  to  follow  the  vaga- 
ries of  fashion  in  these  regards. 

For  morning  wear,  no  dress  can  be  too 
simple.  L^uncheons  are  growing  more  and 
more  informal.  When  distances  are  great, 
however,  and  one  dresses  for  calls  in  the 
part  of  town  where  the  luncheon  is,  after- 
v/ard,  more  elaborateness  of  dress  is  al- 
lowed. 

The  best  advice  to  all  girls  upon  the  sub- 
ject must  be,  not  to  be  overdressed,  nor  yet 
to  be  careless  in  the  matter.  They  should 
attire  themselves  according  to  their  circum- 
stances, and  should,  above  all  things,  avoid 
all  extremes  of  fashion,  as  well  as  all  eccen- 
tricities of  style. 

Only  quiet  colors  should  be  worn  either 
to  church  or  on  the  street,  and  wherever 
girls  go  they  should  endeavor  to  be  uncon- 
scious of  their  personal  appearance. 

The  woman  who  is  overdressed  at  an 
afternoon  reception  is  much  more  uncom- 
fortable than  she  who  is  gowned  with  the 
simplicity  of  a  Quaker.  A  well  fitting  wool 
gown,  a  becoming  bonnet,  a  fresh  pair  of 
gloves,  and  one  is  suitably  dressed  as  a 
caller. 

A  girl  of  fourteen  should  not  wear  her 


68  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


hair  done  up,  and  her  gown  should  come 
just  below  her  ankles. 

It  is  not  in  good  taste  for  a  young  girl  to 
wear  diamond  rings;  if  she  is  fortunate 
enough  to  possess  them,  let  her  keep  them 
carefully  until  she  is  older,  and  then  she 
may  wear  them  with  perfect  propriety. 

It  is  in  very  bad  taste  to  wear  a  dressing- 
sacque  when  breakfasting  in  a  public  din- 
ing-room of  a  hotel.  Such  an  undress 
costume  is  only  permissible  in  one's  own 
room. 

A  frock  coat  is,  under  no  circumstances, 
a  correct  garment  for  a  man  to  wear  at  an 
evening  dance,  neither  is  a  Tuxedo  or  din- 
ner coat.  The  proper  dress  is  a  full  dress 
suit,  with  white  vest  and  white  string  tie. 
Possibly  a  dinner  coat  might  be  allowable 
at  a  very  small  and  very  informal  dance, 
but  a  frock  coat  never. 

A  man  should  wear  a  white  tie  with  a 
dress  suit  at  any  large  formal  entertainment, 
such  as  a  ball,  the  opera,  a  wedding  reception, 
a  large  dinner  party,  etc. ,  and  on  all  occasions 
where  he  wears  a  white  waistcoat.  He  should 
wear  a  black  tie  at  the  theater,  at  a  small 
dinner,  in  calling,  and  at  home  with  his 
dinner  coat. 

Evening  dress  may  be  as  gay  as  one 
chooses  to  make  it,  though  extremes  are 
not  desirable. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  69 


Dresses  made  a  suitable  length  for  walk- 
ing are  much  more  appropriate  for  the  street 
than  those  that  are  so  long  that  their  wearers 
become  street  cleaners. 

Neatness  in  a  lady's  dress  is  one  of  the 
first  requisites. 

To  dress  well  requires  good  taste,  good 
sense,  and  refinement. 

The  most  appropriate  and  becoming  dress 
is  that  which  so  harmonizes  with  the  figure 
that  the  apparel  is  unobserved. 

A  hostess  should  be  careful  not  to  out- 
dress  her  guests. 

When  going  out  one  should  consider  the 
sort  of  company  she  is  likely  to  meet,  and 
should  dress  accordingly. 

The  idea  that  "dress  makes  the  man"  is 
a  very  false  one,  but  a  man  does  make,  or 
select,  rather,  his  dress,  and  is  judged  some- 
what in  accordance  with  that  selection. 

At  a  five  o'clock  church  wedding  the 
groom,  best  man,  and  ushers  all  dress  as 
nearly  as  possible  alike.  The  proper  cos- 
tume or  suit  is  a  black  frock  coat,  gray 
trousers,  black  or  fancy  vesting  waist  coat, 
white  tie,  glacS  gloves,  patent  leather  boots, 
and  a  tall  hat. 

GLOVES. 

A  young  woman  should  of  course  wear 
gloves  with  a  full  evening  dress  to  any  kind 
of  an  evening  entertainment. 


70          PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


On  taking  one's  seat  at  a  dinner  table  of 
a  card  table  one  may  remove  one's  gloves, 
but  not  until  then;  and  at  the  theater  or 
opera,  gloves  should  be  worn  throughout 
the  performance  and  during  the  evening. 

A  man  wears  light  or  white  kid  gloves  to 
the  opera,  dances,  a  reception,  or  any  other 
formal  evening  entertainment,  except  a 
dinner. 

It  is  usual  to  remove  one's  gloves^  when 
eating  supper  at  an  evening  affair,  unless 
merely  a  cup  of  bouillon  or  an  ice  may  be 
chosen,  and  then  there  would  be  no  impro- 
priety in  keeping  on  one's  gloves. 

A  man  wears  gloves  when  calling,  and 
removes  them  just  before  or  just  after  en- 
tering the  parlor.  Tan  gloves  may  be  worn 
at  all  hours  of  the  day;  white  or  pearl 
ones  are  proper  in  the  evening,  when  calling, 
or  at  any  place  of  amusement. 

No  matter  how  long  one's  gloves  are,  they 
should  be  entirely  taken  off  at  supper,  and 
be  resumed  again  upon  returning  to  the 
drawing-room  or  after  using  the  finger 
bowls,  and  before  arising  from  the  feast. 

To  wear  gloves  while  playing  cards  is  an 
affectation  of  elegance. 

STREET  ETIQUETTE. 

A  man  offers  his  right  arm,  if  either,  to  a 
woman  on  the  street  (also  in  the  house), 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  71 


that  she  may  have  her  right  hand  free  for 
holding  her  parasol  or  guiding  her  train. 
Both  common  sense  and  gallantry  assign  the 
woman's  place  where  it  is  for  her  greatest 
convenience,  and  that  is,  undeniably,  on  the 
right  of  the  man. 

The  rule  for  giving  the  left  arm  was 
held  good  in  those  days  when  it  was  neces- 
sary for  men  to  pass  to  the  left,  thus  keep- 
ing the  sword-arm  free  for  self -protection  or 
for  the  protection  of  the  women,  but  now 
the  passing  is  all  to  the  right. 

In  walking  with  a  woman  a  man  chooses 
the  outer  side  without  any  regard  as  to  its 
being  either  the  right  or  the  left.  In  walk- 
ing with  two  women  he  chooses  the  outer 
side  also,  and  never  walks  between  them. 

A  man  walking  with  a  woman  returns  a 
bow  made  to  her,  lifting  his  hat,  although 
the  one  bowing  is  a  stranger  to  him. 

Ladies  do  not  talk  or  call  across  the  street. 

Men  should  not  smoke  when  driving  or 
walking  with  women,  nor  on  promenades 
much  frequented,  where  they  cannot  remove 
the  cigar  from  the  mouth  whenever  meeting 
a  woman.  . 

One  should  never  stare  at  another. 

A  man  v/hen  meeting  a  woman  who  is 
walking  and  with  whom  he  wishes  to  con- 
verse, does  not  allow  her  to  stand  while 
talking,  but  turns  and  walks  with  hen 


72  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


A  man  cannot  refuse  to  return  the  bow  of 
any  respectable  woman.  If  he  does  not 
wish  to  recognize  her  he  must  avoid  her. 

It  is  much  less  rude  for  women  to  return 
a  recognition  coldly,  and  upon  the  next 
occasion  to  turn  away  or  to  avoid  a  meeting, 
than  to  give  a  "cut  direct." 

A  man  precedes  a  woman  in  passing 
through  a  crowd;  but  women  precede  men 
under  ordinary  circumstances." 

It  is  not  proper  for  a  young  girl  to  walk 
alone  with  a  young  man  after  dark,  unless 
she  is  engaged  to  him  or  he  is  a  near  relative 
of  hers.  A  young  woman  should  meet  a 
young  man  with  whom  she  has  only  a  slight 
acquaintance  under  her  father's  or  a  proper 
guardian's  roof.  When  he  has  become  well 
acquainted  with  her  and  her  family  or 
friends,  she  may  take  occasional  walks  with 
him  alone  in  the  afternoon,  but  never  in  the 
evening. 

y/hen  two  women  meet  in  a  door-way, 
the  younger  gives  precedence  to  the  elder. 

A  man  does  not  first  offer  to  shake  hands 
with  a  woman  unless  he  is  very  well 
acquainted  with  her. 

When  it  becomes  necessary  for  one  to 
address  a  man  or  woman  whose  name  one 
does  not  know,  it  should  be  as  "Sir"  or 
"Madam." 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  73 


It  is  very  bad  taste  for  young  women  to 
eat  candy  during  a  theatrical  performance, 
or,  indeed,  in  any  public  place. 

TRAVELING. 

One  can  travel  all  over  the  United  States 
alone,  and  if  she  conducts  herself  quietl}-, 
and  as  a  lady  should,  she  will  receive  all 
due  respect.  At  the  same  time  it  is  perhaps 
a  little  wiser  to  have  a  friend  with  one,  or 
even,  if  that  is  not  possible,  to  be  put  in 
the  care  of  some  one  vrho  is  making  the  same 
journey. 

When  a  young  woman  is  traveling  alone 
and  is  obliged  to  stay  at  a  hotel,  she  is 
shown  to  a  reception  room  and  sends  for  a 
clerk  to  come  to  her.  After  the  business 
arrangements  are  made,  she  either  gives 
him  a  card  or  tells  him  her  name,  and  he 
registers  for  her.  There  is  no  reason  why 
she  should  go  into  a  public  room  or  register 
herself. 

It  is  not  customary,  unless  one  is  with- 
out luggage,  to  pay  in  advance  at  a  hotel. 

Fees  are  usually  given  on  leaving  the 
steamer  to  the  steward  or  stewardess,  deck 
steward,  head  waiter,  waiter  of  the  particu- 
lar table  at  which  one  has  taken  his  meals, 
and  any  other  servants  who  have  made 
themselves  useful  to  him  during  the  voyage. 
The  ar&ount  of  the  fees  depends  on  the 


74         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


amount  of  the  service  that  has  been  re- 
quired, varying  from  $1  to  $5  for  each. 
Living  in  lodgings  abroad  is  much  cheaper 
than  living  in  hotels,  and  in  most  of  the 
large  cities  such  accommodations  may  be 
had  at  reasonable  rates,  and  are  very  cojn- 
fortable.  The  prices  for  lodging  vary  ac- 
cording to  location,  etc.  A  steamer  trunk 
should  suffice  for  a  traveler  who  r^kes 
a  short  trip  abroad  and  intends  to  spend 
all  his  time  traveling  and  sight-seeing. 
Money  for  a  short  trip  can  be  carried 
on  the  person,  in  a  belt,  or  a  pocket 
hung  about  the  neck.  For  a  trip  of  some 
length  a  letter  of  credit  is  more  convenient, 
and  can  be  obtained  from  any  banking-house 
having  foreign  connections.  In  some 
countries  traveling  in  the  second-class  car- 
riages is  very  comfortable;  in  others  it  is 
not.  In  Italy  a  traveler  can  be  comfortable 
only  by  traveling  first-class;  in  France 
second-class  is  not  bad;  and  in  Germany 
and  Great  Britian  it  is  perfectly  comfor- 
table, and  preferable  to  first-class  in  many 
respects. 

A  rush  and  scramble  at  a  railway  ticket 
office  is  only  carried  on  by  ill-bred  peo- 
ple, or  by  those  who  appear  so  at  the  time. 

If  a  woman  offers  to  seat  herself  beside 
a  man,  he  should  rise  at  once  and  give  her 
the  choice  of  seats. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  75 


No  real  gentlemen  would  be  unmindful 
of  the  comfort  and  convenience  of  women, 
while  traveling,  from  a  selfish  motive. 

In  the  cars  one  has  no  right  to  keep  a 
window  open,  if  the  current  of  air  thus 
produced  annoys  another. 

A  woman  should  alwa3'^s  be  careful  to 
thank  a  person  for  any  little  attention  he 
may  bestow  upon  her  while  traveling. 

BICYCLING. 

As  to  rules  of  politeness  for  bicyclers,  one 
who  is  a  true  lady  will  show  herself  to  be 
one  as  surely  when  riding  a  wheel  as  at  any 
other  time,  not  only  by  her  costume,  which 
will  be  unobtrusive  in  color,  cut,  and  adjust- 
ment, but  by  her  manner,  which  will  be 
even  more  quiet  and  self-possessed  than 
usual,  as  she  well  knows  that  by  mounting 
a  wheel  she  makes  herself  more  or  less  con- 
spicuous. It  goes  without  saying  that  she 
will  not  ride  fast  enough  to  attract  undue 
attention;  that  she  will  not  chew  gum;  and 
that  she  will  not  allow  advances  from  strang- 
ers, who  may,  like  herself,  be  on  a  wheel, 
and,  to  all  appearances,  may  be  gentlemen. 
Neither  will  she  ride  off  alone  after  dark, 
nor  take  long  rides  in  the  evening  attended 
only  by  an  escort.  In  the  daytime,  when 
out  only  with  a  man  friend,  she  will  avoid 
stopping  to  rest  under  the  trees  and  in  out  of 


76         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


the  way  places.  Too  much  care  cannot  be 
taken,  especially  by  young  girls,  as  to  ap- 
pearances. Their  very  innocence  and  ignor- 
ance lays  them  open  to  criticism. 

TELEPHONING. 

For  the  benefit  of  those  who  but  seldom 
make  use  of  the  telephone,  and  consequently 
feel  more  or  less  ill  at  ease  when  attempting 
to  use  one,  and  also  for  those  who,  from  ignor- 
ance of  the  first  laws  of  politeness,  or  who, 
from  thoughtlessness,  ignore  them,  a  few 
hints  upon  the  subject  may  not  come  amiss. 
It  is  after  having  called  up  ''Central,"  and 
been  given  the  number  requested,  that  one 
often  stands  in  need  of  no  small  amount  of  tact 
and  good  breeding,  as  well  as  of  some  idea  of 
the  best  method  of  procedure.  When  there 
are  several  different  persons  using  the  same 
line,  two  or  three  of  them  may  mistake  the 
call  for  theirs,  and  all  rush  to  the  telephone 
at  once.  If  at  all  stupid,  or  lacking  in 
politeness,  they  will  make  it  quite  unpleas- 
ant for  each  other.  The  one  entitled  to 
speak  should  politely  inquire  for  the  one 
for  whom  she  has  called  at  the  telephone, 
also  giving  her  own  name  as  the  one  deliver- 
ing the  message.  If  this  does  not  sufiice 
to  enlighten  those  who  sometimes  keep 
calling  "hello,"  "hello,"  without  waiting 
to  learn  if  they  are  the  ones  desired,  the 
one  talking  should  again  announce  her- 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  11 


self,  and  the  name  of  the  one  to  whom  she 
wishes  to  speak.  Then,  occasionally,  even 
while  in  the  midst  of  a  conversation, 
some  one  will  break  in  with  a  "Hello!" 
"Who  is  it?"  "What  do  you  want?"  etc., 
which  is  quite  distracti  ng.  If  one  can  gain 
a  hearing  in  no  other  way,  it  is  well  to  say: 
"Excuse  me,  I  hold  the  line."  If  this  does 
not  bring  order  out  of  chaos,  one  should 
ring  off  and  call  again. 

One  should  be  careful  not  to  call  up 
friends  at  inconvenient  hours,  and  when  one 
is  notified  by  a  servant,  or  otherwise,  that 
someone,  the  name  being  given,  is  at  the 
telephone  wishing  to  speak  with  her,  she 
should  certainly  be  as  expeditious  as  possi- 
ble in  replying;  for,  by  holding  the  wire, 
she  is  inconveniencing  others,  as  well  as  the 
one  who  is  waiting  for  her.  No  lady  needs 
to  be  warned  against  speaking  discourte- 
ously under  any  circumstances  to  the  tele- 
phone assistants  at  the  central  office..  It  is 
in  these  little  things  that  one  shows  herself 
to  be  well-bred  or  not. 

None,  of  course,  but  the  most  informal  of 
invitations  can  be  delivered  by  telephone. 

Servants  should  be  taught  always  to  answer 
the  telephone  politely  and  intelligently. 
When  answering,  a  servant  should  say 
vv^hose  residence  it  is,  if  asked,  not  by  giv- 
ing the  family  name,  as  "Smith,"  but  as 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


"Mr.  Smith,"  and  then,  if  asked  who  is  at 
the  instrument,  she  should  reply,  "Mrs. 
Smith's  cook"  or  "maid." 

One's  individual  manners,  and  ordinary- 
polite  or  impolite  forms  of  address,  are  very 
noticeable  when  accentuated  by  the  tele- 
phone. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

The  Table  and  Service  at  Table, 
Habits  at  Table,  Servants 
AND  Serving. 


"God  may  forgive  sins,  but  awkwardness 
has  no  forgiveness  in  Heaven  or  earth. — 
Hawt^xorne. 

THE  TABLE  AND  SERVICE  AT  TABLE. 

The  table  looks  best  when  not  over-deco- 
rated. The  housekeeper  who  cannot  make 
changes  in  her  table  decoration  finds  that  a 
mirror  centerpiece  is  a  background  that 
multiplies  the  beauty  of  her  flowers,  fruit, 
leaves,  or  whatever  may  constitute  the 
decoration. 

A  unique  and  effective  decoration  for  a 
luncheon  table  is  made  of  long,  narrow  bou- 
quets of  white  carnations,  tied  vith  bows  of 
yellow  satin  ribbon,  and  arranged  so  that 
the  ribbons  all  meet  in  the  center  of  the 
table,  while  the  points  are  directed  towards 
the  guests.  The  effect  is  of  a  great  golden- 
hearted  daisy. 

A  pretty  conceit  for  decorating  a  dainty 
table  is  to  cluster  a  number  of  small  palms  to- 
gether in  the  center  of  the  table.  Around 
these  place  small  ferns,  while  beyond  the 

79 


80  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


latter  arrange  yards  of  smilax  so  as  to  con- 
ceal the  pots.  Outside  of  all  have  a  fiat 
border  composed  of  loose  bunches  of  pinks, 
roses,  and  maiden-hair  ferns.  Tie  these  with 
wide  pink  satin  ribbons,  a  long  end  of  which 
should  extend  from  each  bouquet  down  to 
the  place  of  each  of  the  women  guests,  and 
have  her  name  painted  in  gold  upon  it. 
Then  there  should  be  boutonnieres  of  pink 
carnations  for  the  men. 

Menu  cards  are  not  ordinarily  used  at  any 
but  the  most  formal  kind  of  an  entertain- 
ment. They  are  always  seen  at  large  func- 
tions, men's  public  dinners,  etc.,  which  are 
usually  given  in  a  hotel  or  restaurant;  but 
in  a  private  house  individual  menu  cards, 
whether  at  a  dinner  or  a  luncheon,  are  ex- 
ceptional. 

When  the  dinner  is  large  and  formal,  or 
even  when  it  numbers  only  eight  or  ten,  it 
is  wise  to  have  small  cards  with  the  names 
of  the  guests  at  each  place  at  the  table, 
and,  if  the  guests  are  strangers  to  each 
other,  to  have  a  tray  in  the  men's  dressing- 
room  or  hall  where  they  remove  their  coats 
and  hats  with  tiny  envelopes  addressed  to 
each,  containing  little  cards  on  which  is 
written  the  name  of  the  dinner  partner.  The 
hostess  must  see  that,  as  soon  as  two  dinner 
partners  are  in  the  receiving  room  before 
dinner,  they  meet  each  other,  and  have  a 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  81 


chance  for  a  little  conversation  before  the 
meal  is  announced;  and  she  should  also 
make  a  point  to  introduce  each  woman  be- 
fore dinner  to  the  man  who  is  to  sit  on  the 
other  side  of  her. 

Introductions  are  not  proper  at  the  table, 
and  at  a  large  dinner  it  is  awkward  to  in- 
troduce all  one's  guests  to  each  other  before 
the  meal.  At  a  small  dinner,  of  course,  it 
is  not  necessary  to  observe  all  this  formality, 
and  the  hostess  may  introduce  her  guests 
to  each  other  without  much  ceremon}^  when 
the  company  numbers  only  four  or  six;  but 
with  more, each  woman  should  be  provided 
with  a  partner  who  escorts  her  to  the  table. 
At  a  small  function  there  need  be  but  a 
few  minutes  of  waiting  before  the  guests 
are  all  seated.  The  guest  of  honor  sits  at  the 
right  of  the  host. 

As  to  the  manner  of  arranging  the  table, 
there  is  some  difference  of  opinion.  How- 
ever, generally  speaking,  there  should  be  a 
napkin,  squarely  folded,  in  front  of  each 
guest,  and  at  the  left  of  it  the  forks,  i.  e., 
a  fish  fork  and  a  large  and  a  small  ordinary 
fork.  At  the  right  of  the  napkin  should  be 
the  knives  and  spoons,  a  glass,  bread-and- 
butter  plate  (if  used),  and  a  salt  cellar;  and 
in  the  center  of  the  table  on  an  embroidered 
centerpiece  or  circular  mirror,  the  floral 
decorations.    At  the  head  of  the  table,  upon 


82  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


an  embroidered  square,  are  laid  the  tea  ser- 
vice,— the  urn,  the  cups  and  saucers,  the 
cream  pitcher,  sugar  bowl,  etc.;  at  the  other 
end  are  placed  the  dishes  for  serving.  Scat- 
tered about  on  circular  doilies  are  the  dishes 
of  jelly,  preserves,  pickles  (sweet  and  sour), 
olives,  salted  almonds,  etc. 

Chafing-dishes  are  used  to  prepare  such 
dishes  as  terrapin,  oysters,  or  whatever  may 
be  cooked  absolutely  on  the  table.  A  nap- 
kin and  plate,  or  tray,  is  best  liked  for 
removing  crumbs. 

Finger  bowls  should  always  follow  the 
last  course  at  formal  and  informal  meals 
alike,  except  at  breakfast,  when,  if  fruit  is 
the  first  course,  the  finger-bowl  is  put  on 
the  table  when  the  covers  are  laid  ready  for 
the  fruit  course. 

Spoon-holders  are  no  longer  used,  but  if 
one  should  be  fancied  it  would  be  better  to 
put  the  bowl  of  the  spoon  in  the  holder  first. 

Unless  one  serves  something  more  than 
wafers,  small  cakes,  tea,  and  chocolate  on 
an  "at  home"  day,  napkins  are  not  neces- 
sary; if,  however,  there  is  some  dish  that 
will  soil  the  fingers  or  the  lips,  then  there 
should  be  a  pile  of  small  napkins  on  the  tea- 
table. 

Tooth-picks  should  not  be  put  on  the 
table,  nor  should  they  be  used  outside  one's 
own  room. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  83 


It  is  not  necessary  to  fold  one's  napkin 
when  only  one  meal  is  to  be  eaten  in  the 
house  in  which  one  is  staying. 

The  day  for  tying  cakes,  sandwiches,  etc., 
with  ribboDS  has  passed. 

The  waitress  should  stand  with  a  tray  in 
her  hand  behind  the  host's  chair  to  receive 
each  plate  as  it  is  filled,  passing  it  to  the 
left  of  the  guest,  and  vvaiting  for  him  to  re- 
move it.  When  the  hostess  is  pouring  tea 
or  coffee,  the  maid's  place  is  by  her 
left  side  in  wating  for  the  cups.  After 
that  she  should  be  on  the  alert  to  see  when 
the  glasses  need  filling,  or  when  there  is 
bread,  pickles,  or  anything  to  be  passed. 
When  removing  the  plates  it  should  be  from^ 
-the  right  side  of  the  guest,  but  everything 
should  be  offered  at  the  left  that  the  rightj 
hand  may  be  used  to  receive  it.  ^ 

When  a  dish  is  passed  and  there  is  no 
maid  in  attendance,  one  should  help  him- 
self and  pass  it  on.  If  a  dish  is  standing 
near  one,  under  such  circumstances,  he  may 
quite  properly  ask  if  he  ma}^  help  himself, 
and  do  so. 

When  a  plate  is  passed  for  a  helping,  the 
knife  and  fork  are  laid  well  to  the  side  of 
the  plate,  so  placed  that  they  will  not  fall 
off,  and  yet  not  be  in  the  way  of  the  ser^-er. 

All  the  appurtenances  of  each  course 
should  be  removed  before  the  succeeding 


84         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


one  is  served.  The  bread-and-butter  plates, 
however,  should  be  removed  before  the  salad 
course,  as  crackers  and  cheese  are  passed 
with  this,  the  salad  plate  being  used  to  hold 
all  three  things. 

The  salted  almonds  should  be  started 
about  the  table  by  the  hostess  soon  after  the 
guests  are  seated.  Some  hostesses  possess 
cut-glass  or  china  individual  dishes,  on 
which  the  almonds  are  placed  when  the 
guest  helps  himself,  but  it  is  quite  usual  for 
them  to  be  placed  on  the  bread-and-butter 
plate. 

Bonbons  should  be  passed  by  the  maid 
when  the  coffee  is  served,  and  eaten  from 
the  plate  from  which  the  finger-bowl  and 
doily  have  been  removed. 

It  is  not  important  whether  tumblers  or 
goblets  are  used  on  the  dinner-table;  each 
season  brings  its  own  custom. 

The  bread-and-butter  plates  at  a  formal 
dinner  serve  the  purpose  only  of  bread 
plates,  as  it  is  not  customary  to  vServe  but- 
ter on  such  occasions.  If  it  is  used,  how- 
ever, butter  should  be  made  into  tiny  balls, 
and  one  or  two  placed  on  each  bread-and- 
butter  plate. 

It  is  customary  to  put  the  vegetables 
served  with  the  meat  on  the  same  plate. 
The  use  of  individual  dishes  for  vegetables 
is  no  longer  approved. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  85 


Oranges  are  seldom  served  at  dinner  un- 
less they  are  specially  prepared,  that  is, 
with  the  skin  taken  off,  and  the  sections 
divided,  in  which  case  the  fruit  is  eaten 
from  a  fork. 

Cheese  and  crackers  of  some  sort  are  al- 
ways served  with  salad  courses. 

At  a  formal  dinner  bouillon  or  consomme 
is  usually  served  in  soup-plates.  At  a  sup- 
per or  luncheon  it  is  oftenest  served  in  cups. 
The  regulation  cups  are  those  having  han- 
dles on  each  side. 

When  oysters  are  served  on  the  half-shell, 
they  are  usually  placed  upon  the  table  be- 
for  the  meal  is  announced. 

It  is  not  customary  to  serve  fruit  as  a 
first  course  at  dinner,  though  at  a  lunch  it 
is  quite  proper. 

Grape-fruit  must  be  served  ice  cold.  It 
is  served  in  two  ways:  either  it  is  cut  in 
halves,  midway  between  the  blossom  and 
the  stem  end,  the  seeds  removed,  the  pulp 
loosened  with  a  sharp  knife,  but  served 
in  the  natural  skin,  to  be  eaten  with  a 
spoon;  or  the  pulp  and  seeds  are  entirely 
removed  from  the  skin  with  a  sharp  knife, 
and  the  edible  part  only  served  in  deep 
dessert  plates.  Pulverized  sugar  should 
accompany  grape-fruit. 

In  waiting  upon  plates,  one  should  never 


86  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


pour  gravy  on  the  food,  but  place  it  at  one 
side. 

The  salad  course  at  dinner  always  suc- 
ceeds the  game  course. 

After  dinner  coffee  is  served  in  small 
cups  and  without  cream.  In  many  houses 
rock-candy,  crushed  in  very  small  pieces,  is 
used  as  a  substitute  for  sugar,  the  claim 
being  made  that  it  gives  a  purer  sweetness. 

Cut  sugar  is  served  with  coffee,  and  pow- 
dered sugar  with  fruit  or  oatmeal. 

Coffee  may  be  served  at  the  table  or  in 
the  drawing-room  as  is  best  liked.  People 
are  not  asked  if  they  will  have  it;  it  is 
served  to  them.  Only  sugar  is  offered  with 
black  coffee. 

HABITS  AT  TABLE. 

Nothing  indicates  the  good  breeding  of  a 
man  so  much  as  his  manners  at  table. 
There  are  a  thousand  little  points  to  be  ob- 
served, which,  although  not  absolutely 
necessary,  distinctly  stamp  the  refined  and 
well-bred  man.  A  man  may  pass  muster  by 
dressing  well,  and  may  sustain  himself  tol- 
erably in  conversation;  but,  if  he  is  not 
nearly  perfect  in  table  etiquette,  dining  will 
betray  him. 

Any  unpleasant  peculiarity,  abruptness, 
or  coarseness  of  manner  is  especially  offen- 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  87 


sive  at  table.  People  are  more  easily  dis- 
gusted at  that  time  than  at  any  other. 

One  should  never  rest  the  arms  upon  the 
table,  but  keep  the  left  hand,  when  not  in 
use,  lying  quietly  in  the  lap. 

A  man  guest  should  never  precede  his 
hostess  into  or  out  of  the  dining-room,  but 
should  wait  respectfully  by  the  door  for  her 
to  pass. 

A  soup-plate  should  never  be  tilted  for 
the  last  spoonful. 

The  mouth  should  be  kept  closed  in  eat- 
ing, and  as  little  noise  made  as  possible. 

_A  goblet  should  be  held  by  the  stem,  and 
not  by  the  bowl. 

,  Bread  should  be  broken  and  not  cut  be- 
fore buttering  it  to  eat,, 

A  knife  should  never  be  used  at  table  ex- 
cept where  one  is  unable  to  cut  his  food 
with  his  fork;  it  should  never  be  used  in 
conveying  food  to  the  mouth. 

A  knife  should  be  held  by  its  handle,  and 
the  finger  not  allowed  to  extend  up  on  the 
blade.  In  eating  with  a  fork  it  should  be 
held  in  the  right  hand. 

The  fork  is  generally  used  with  the  tines 
curving  upward. 

Olives  are  eaten  from  the  fingers;  pickles, 
from  a  fork.    It  is  usual  to  put  either  a 


88          PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


small  fork  or  a  long- handled  spoon  with  a 
small  bowl  on  the  dish  containing  olives 
or  pickles,  and  one  should  use  it  in  helping 
one's  self. 

The  tips  of  the  fingers  are  put  in  the 
finger-bowls  and  may  then  moisten  the 
lips.  Both  lips  and  finger  tips  are  dried  on 
the  napkin,  which  is  not  afterwards  folded. 

Watermelons  are  eaten  with  a  fork,  and 
cantaloupes  with  either  a  spoon  or  a  fork. 

A  baked  potato  should  be  eaten  from  the 
plate  after  it  has  been  pushed  out  of  its 
skin  by  the  fork. 

Dried  beef  is  eaten  with  a  fork. 

Grape  seeds  may  be  removed  from  the 
mouth  with  the  fingers.  The  seeds  of 
watermelons  should  be  taken  from  the  fruit 
with  a  fork  before  the  fruit  is  put  into  the 
mouth. 

Fish  bones  are  taken  from  the  mouth 
with  the  fingers.  Care,  however,  is  usually 
taken  to  leave  as  few  bones  as  possible  in 
the  fish,  since  the  general  use  of  the  silver 
knife  with  the  silver  fork  has  made  it  easy 
to  separate  the  bones  from  the  meat. 

Bananas  are  broken  with  a  fork,  and  a 
piece  is  conveyed  to  the  mouth  on  a  fork. 

When  a  servant  ofi*ers  one  a  dish,  he 
should  help  himself  without  taking  it  from 
her  hand. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  89 


When  drinking  from  a  cup,  the  spoon 
should  be  left  in  the  saucer,  where  it  also 
remains  when  the  cup  is  empty. 

It  is  not  proper  to  eat  gravy  with  bits  of 
bread;  instead,  it  should  be  regarded  as  a 
sauce,  and  simply  eaten  on  the  meat  of 
which  it  forms  a  portion. 

It  is  decreed  by  custom  that  the  small 
bones  of  any  bird  may  be  taken  in  the  fin- 
gers, and  the  meat  eaten  from  the  bone. 
But  this  must  always  be  done  daintil5^ 

What  is  known  as  "layer  cake"  is  eaten 
from  a  fork,  and  in  serving  it  one  uses 
either  a  pie-knife  or  a  tablespoon  and  a 
fork. 

Cheese  is  eaten  with  a  fork. 

After-dinner  coffee  is  taken  directly  from 
the  cup,  and  not  from  the  spoon. 

Crackers  should  be  eaten  from  the  hand, 
and  nof^e  broken  into  soup. 

When  bread  is  passed,  one  takes  a  slice 
as  it  is  cut,  and  does  not  break  it  and  leave 
a  portion  on  the  plate.  Bread  is  always 
eaten  from  the  fingers. 

Raw  oysters  are  eaten  with  a  small 
oyster- fork  from  the  shell.  In  helping 
one's  self  to  salt,  the  little  salt-spoon  is 
used,  and  the  salt  is  placed  on  the  plate. 

When  strawberries  are  served  with  their 
stems  on,  one  picks  one  up  by  the  stem, 


90  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


dips  it  into  the  soft  sugar  at  the  side  of  the 
plate,  and  eats  it  from  the  stem.  Bonbons 
are  eaten  from  the  fingers.  If  a  spoon  is  in 
the  dish  from  which  they  are  served,  then 
one  uses  it;  if  not,  the  fingers  are  proper. 

An  apple  or  a  pear  may  be  held  on  a  fork, 
and  pared  with  a  knife;  or  it  may  be  quar- 
tered, and  each  quarter  held  in  the  fingers, 
and  then  pared.  Dates  are  eaten  from  the 
fingers. 

When  one  answers  "thank  you"  to  an 
invitation  to  partake  of  a  certain  dish  at  the 
table,  "yes"  is  meant. 

One  should  break  a  small  piece  of  bread 
off  the  slice,  then  butter  it  and  eat  it.  Only 
very  small  children  in  the  nursery  bite  from 
a  slice  of  buttered  bread. 

One  need  not  fear  to  take  the  last  piece 
on  the  plate  when  it  is  offered.  It  would 
be  more  impolite  to  refuse  it. 

It  is  very  bad  form  to  pile  up,  or  in  any 
way  arrange  the  plates  or  small  dishes  put 
before  one,  for  the  benefit  of  the  waiter. 
She  should  do  her  own  work,  which  is  to 
take  away  the  plates  without  any  help. 

When  one  wishes  for  bread,  or  anything 
of  that  sort,  he  should  simply  ask  for  it, 
either  addressing  his  request  to  the  servant 
or,  if  there  is  none,  to  whomever  the  bread 
may  be  nearest,  if  it  is  on  the  table. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  91 


Upon  leaving  the  table,  and  the  signal 
for  leaving  is  given  when  the  hostess  rises, 
one's  napkin  should  be  placed  upon  the 
table  unfolded,  unless  one  is  to  remain  for 
another  meal. 

At  a  formal  dinner  party  the  host  should 
enter  the  dining-room  first  and  with  the 
lady  in  whose  honor  the  dinner  is  given; 
the  hostess  goes  into  the  dining-room  last 
with  the  most  important  man  guest,  who 
should  be  seated  at  her  right. 

Where  menus  are  used  they  should  be 
placed  on  the  left-hand  side,  beside  the 
forks.  When  the  dinner  is  over,  at  a  sig- 
nal from  the  hostess,  the  women  rise  and  re- 
tire to  the  drawling-room,  where  coffee  is 
usually  served,  the  men  remaining  in  the 
dining-room  for  coffee  and  cigars. 

Five  o'clock  tea  may  be  served  in  a  vari- 
ety of  w^ays :  the  hostess  may  brew  it  her- 
self in  a  teapot  upon  her  tea-table  in  the 
parlor;  she  ma}^  make  it  by  pouring  boiling 
water  over  a  tea- ball;  or  it  may  be  served 
by  either  a  man  or  maid  ser\^ant  in  the  din- 
ing-room. Its  proper  accompaniments  are 
sugar,  cream,  shced  lemon,  and  either  waf- 
ers, thin  sandwiches,  or  cake. 

It  is  in  better  form  to  have  a  luncheon 
served  at  a  large  table,  especially  when  the 
guests  do  not  number  more  than  twenty, 
than  to  have  small  tables.    Two  o'clock  is 


92  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


the  fashionable  hour  for  a  luncheon;  after 
it  is  over  the  guests  usually  disperse. 

A  host,  in  entertaining  at  a  hotel  or  a  res- 
taurant, even  if  he  entertains  only  one 
woman,  should  give  the  order  for  the  meal 
himself,  and  save  her  the  slight  embarrass- 
ment it  may  be  for  her  to  make  her  own 
selection.  The  most  courteous  thing  is  for 
him  to  order  the  meal  beforehand,  but  if 
the  occasion  is  very  informal  and  he  prefers 
to  wait  until  they  are  at  the  table,  he 
should,  after  he  and  his  guest  are  seated, 
hand  the  menu  to  her  and  ask  if  she  has 
any  especial  preference,  and  then,  respect- 
ing her  wishes,  give  the  order  himself  to 
the  waiter. 

If,  however,  friends  happen  in,  and  are 
asked  informally  to  stay  to  a  meal  at  a 
hotel,  they  may  order  themselves  what  they 
want  from  the  menu,  and,  if  necessary,  the 
host  or  hostess  of  the  occasion  may  pay  the 
bill  before  leaving  the  dining-room,  but  the 
bill  should  not  be  paid  until  the  guests  have 
departed. 

In  giving  one's  order  for  dinner  at  the 
hotel,  oysters  come  first,  then  soup,  fish,  a 
roast  or  a  bird,  ices,  whatever  dessert 
may  be  desired,  and  coffee.  Very  often  a 
woman  is  well  served,  when  she  is  alone,  by 
allowing  the  waiter  to  arrange  a  dinner  for 
her. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  93 

If  the  only  guest  at  the  family  dinner- 
table  is  a  man,  he  should  not  be  served 
until  all  the  ladies  of  the  family  have  been 
attended  to. 

If  the  hostess  is  the  only  woman  at  the 
table,  she  is  served  first,  as  a  lady  is  of 
most  importance  from  a  social  standpoint, 
and  it  is  always  proper  to  attend  to  her 
wants  first.  After  her  the  man  who  is  a 
visitor,  or  whose  age  gives  him  precedence, 
receives  attention. 

The  guest  of  honor  at  a  tea  arrives  a  little 
earlier  than  the  other  guests,  and  remains 
somewhat  later,  but  at  a  luncheon  or  dinner 
she  should  appear  at  the  regulation  time. 
One  should  remove  one's  gloves  at  a  lunch- 
eon, but  the  retaining  of  the  hat  is  entirely 
a  matter  of  personal  taste. 

The  inconsiderate  guest  who  arrives  late 
for  luncheon  or  dinner  is  shown  immedi- 
ately into  the  dining-room,  and  the  hostess 
does  not  leave  her  guests,  but  simply  rises 
and  motions  him  to  a  seat  when  he  enters 
the  room. 

Ten  minutes  is  the  time  usually  allowed 
for  each  course  where  more  than  a  six- 
course  dinner  is  served. 

The  correct  and  usual  way  of  seating  a 
bridal  party  at  a  wedding  entertainment  is 
for  the  groom  to  sit  at  one  end  of  the  table, 
and  the  bride  at  the  other  end,  the  best 


94  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


man  on  the  bride's  right,  and  the  maid  of 
honor  or  first  bridemaid  on  the  groom's 
right.  The  other  bridemaids  and  ushers  are 
placed  wherever  seems  best.  As  a  usual 
thing,  the  parents  of  the  bride  and  groom 
do  not  sit  at  the  same  table  with  the  imme- 
diate bridal  party,  but  at  another  table,  to- 
gether with  the  near  relatives  on  both  sides, 
and  perhaps  the  minister  who  officiated  at 
the  wedding  and  his  wife;  but  if  it  seems 
desirable  to  have  the  parents  at  the  bridal 
table,  it  is  perfectly  proper  to  seat  them 
there. 

There  are  certain  distinctive  features  of  a 
bridal  table  which  must  be  in  evidence. 
One  is  the  wedding  or  bride's  cake,  and  this 
cake  should  be  the  central  ornament,  and 
should  be  surrounded  with  a  wreath  of 
roses.  The  place-cards  should  have  the  in- 
itials of  the  bride  and  groom  woven  together 
for  decoration,  and  the  souvenirs  may  be 
small  satin  boxes  containing  wedding  cake. 

SERVANTS  AND  SERVING. 

There  is  so  much  to  say  upon  the  subject 
of  servants,  notwithstanding  so  much  has  al- 
ready been  said,  it  is  difficult  to  know  where 
to  begin.  But,  in  the  first  place,  every 
woman  should  remember  that  servants  are, 
like  herself,  human,  and  that  in  our  free 
America,  they  are  becoming  very  indepen- 
dent, not  to  say  self-assertive.     Thus  a 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  95 


house  mistress  has  no  small  matter  to  deal 
with  when  she  demands  obedience  and  re- 
spectful attention  from  girls  who  are  gener- 
ally ignorant,  and  often  impudent  and  ill- 
bred.  The  greatest  strength  of  the  mistress 
lies  in  her  power  to  control  herself,  and 
while  she  must  demand  respectfulness  from 
her  servants,  she  can  often  avoid  a  clash 
with  them  by  using  a  little  tact.  If  they 
are  treated  in  a  kind,  though  dignified,  man- 
ner, unless  very  degenerate,  they  will  usu- 
ally respond  satisfactorily. 

One  can  speak,  with  perfect  propriety,  of 
the  one  ser\^ant  employed  as  "the  maid," 
but  not  as  "our  girl." 

Servants  should  be  expected  to  dress  neat- 
ly, and  where  there  is  but  one,  she  should 
have  a  clean  white  apron  ready  to  put  on 
when  answering  the  door-bell,  being  pre- 
pared with  a  tray  to  receive  the  caller's  card. 
She  should  also  know,  before  answering  the 
bell,  who  is  in  and  who  is  not  at  home,  and 
what  excuse,  if  any,  to  make  for  each  one 
called  for. 

Servants  should  never  be  allowed  to  call 
any  member  of  the  family  from  a  distance, 
as  from  the  foot  of  the  stairs,  but  should  go 
to  the  one  to  whom  she  wishes  to  speak, 
and  deliver  her  message. 

It  is  hard  to  say,  under  all  circumstances, 
what  to  expect  of  a  nursery  governess,  and 


96  PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


what  sliould  be  her  privileges.  To  treat 
her  with  the  greatest  consideration  is  well 
worth  while;  for  one  is  compensated  in  be- 
ing able  to  get  an  intellegent,  ladylike  wo- 
man who  may  be  trusted  to  guide  her  charges 
wisely.  One  may  ask  a  governess  to  sleep 
in  the  same  room  with  the  children,  dress 
and  undress  them,  eat  with  them,  and  teach 
them,  and  take  the  entire  charge  of  them; 
but,  of  course,  one  will  provide  some  attrac- 
tive place  for  her  to  sit  during  the  evening, 
while  the  children  are  asleep  in  her  room. 
It  is  also  necessary  to  see  that  her  meals  are 
well  cooked  and  carefully  served,  and  to 
permit  her  to  be  free  one  afternoon  and  even- 
ing every  week.  She  should  be  addressed 
as  "Miss  Smith,"  not  by  her  first  name. 

It  is  expedient  to  supervise  the  work  of 
the  general  house- work  servant  as  much  as 
possible;  and  if  it  is  more  convenient  for 
her  to  go  up  the  front  stairs  to  announce 
callers,  and  to  go  down  them  to  answer  the 
front  door,  certainly  allow  her  to  use  the 
front  stairs  instead  of  the  back  ones  on  oc- 
casions. A  waitress  or  parlor-maid  is  no 
more  privileged  to  use  the  front  stairs  than 
a  general  house- work  servant.  A  nurse 
may  be,  with  propriety ,  wherever  her  charges 
are  allowed. 

If  a  maid  is  expected  to  wear  a  cap,  it  is 
usually  furnished  by  the  lady  of  the  house. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


97 


It  is  good  form  to  address  the  servants  one 
knows  when  entering  a  house,  and  to  thank 
them  for  any  attention. 

It  is  unfortunate  that  the  English  system 
of  feeing  has  come  into  vogue  here.  But  it 
is  quite  customary  now,  for  a  guest,  after  a 
visit,  even  a  short  one,  to  bestow  upon  a 
servant  a  small  fee,  say,  of  a  dollar. 


CHAPTER  VII. 


FuNEjRAivS,  Mourning. 


Civility  implies  self-sacrifice;  it  is  the  last 
touch,  the  crowning  perfection  of  a  noble 
character. — Mathews. 


FUNERALS. 

At  no  place  is  a  lack  of  system,  and  an 
observance  of  formality,  more  noticable  than 
at  a  funeral.  An  undertaker  generally  has 
charge  of  the  details,  and  where  he  is  well 
informed  and  has  sufficient  assistance,  he 
can  manage  affairs  nicely,  but  there  is  a 
great  deal  of  unostentatious  service  that 
may  be  done  by  friends,  indeed,  must  be. 
They  can  assist  the  servants  in  arrang- 
ing the  house,  flowers,  etc. ,  before  the  fu- 
neral; meet  any  who  may  call  at  the  door; 
and  in  every  way  stand  between  the  afflict- 
ed family  and  the  outside  world.  Of  course 
none  but  intimate  friends  can  be  of  service 
at  such  a  time.  All  others,  no  matter  how 
willing,  can  but  call  at  the  door  with  offers 
of  service,  and  even  that  should  not  be  car- 
ried far  enough  to  appear  intrusive. 

At  a  house  funeral  the  family  remains  up- 
stairs, or  in  a  side  room,  and  is  not  seen. 
The  remains  are  in  the  drawing-room,  where 
they  are  usually  viewed  by  those  present 

98 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  99 


when  passing  out.  The  clergyman  stands 
near  the  head  of  the  casket,  if  in  so  doing 
his  voice  can  be  well  heard.  If  there  is  sing- 
ing, it  is  usually  done  by  a  quartet  or  by  a 
smaller  number  of  persons,  who  are  seated  at 
the  head  of  the  stairs  out  of  sight  and  un- 
accompanied by  any  musical  instrument. 
Those  who  are  not  going  to  the  cemetery 
quietly  disperse  at  the  close  of  the  service. 
Carriages  are  in  waiting  for  the  family,  and 
the  cortege  moves  as  soon  after  the  close  of 
the  service  as  possible. 

In  the  meantime  the  nurse  (if  one  still 
remains  at  the  house),  or  some  friend >  with 
the  assistance  of  the  ser\'ants,  makes  every- 
thing look  as  natural  and  pleasant  as  possible 
before  the  return  of  the  family.  If  visitors 
come  in  later,  of  course  it  depends  upon 
circumstances  whether  or  not  they  should 
be  admitted. 

Church  funerals  are  more  formal.  The 
congregation  assembles,  and  when  the 
carriages  containing  the  family  arrive,  the 
organ  plays  softl}^  and  the  procession  enters, 
the  relatives  walking  close  to  the  casket, 
and  sitting  as  near  it  as  possible.  After 
the  services  the  procession  moves  out  in  the 
same  order,  and  the  people  in  the  pews  wait 
until  is  has  passed  on. 

The  crepe  that  is  hung  at  the  door-bell 
has  often  combined  v^4th  it  ribbon  streamers, 


100        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


those  for  the  aged  being  black,  for  a 
younger  person  purple,  and  for  a  child 
white  with  white  crepe  also.  Flowers 
should  be  sent  to  the  bereaved,  in  due  time 
after  the  death,  in  token  of  sympathy. 

MOURNING. 

The  putting  on  of  mourning  is  a  question 
that  should  be  decided  entirely  by  those 
most  deeply  concerned.  Many  families 
never  follow  the  custom,  and  even  wear 
white  instead  of  black  on  the  day  of  the 
funeral,  while  others  seem  to  consider  the 
wearing  of  crepe  as  a  mark  of  respect  shown 
to  the  dead.  To  assume  the  expense  such 
a  change  in  clothing  would  entail,  may 
sometimes  be  placing  a  burden  upon  the 
living  for  the  sake  of  the  dead,  which  cer- 
tainly neither  custom  nor  reason  should  de- 
mand. Then,  to  many,  the  wearing  of 
crepe  is  so  depressing  that  it  is  a  sin  against 
one's  self  to  put  it  on.  None  but  narrow- 
minded,  uncultivated  persons  would  ever 
think  of  criticising  one  for  not  doing  so. 
Of  couse  one  would  naturally  feel  like  dress- 
ing in  as  subdued  colors  as  possible,  if 
not  in  assuming  half  mourning  (black  and 
white,  lavendar,  drab,  etc.)  if  not  deep 
black  or  crepe. 

When  mourning  is  worn  by  a  wife  for  a 
husband,  it  is  worn  from  one  to  two  years, 
at  least. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  101 


The  qtiestion  of  wearing  mourning  for 
one's  betrothed  must  be  decided  by  one's 
self,  for  it  is  purely  a  personal  question  that 
the  laws  of  etiquette  do  not  govern. 

When  crepe  is  laid  aside,  black-bordered 
paper  and  black-bordered  cards  are  no  longer 
proper.  While  wearing  all  black  on  the 
street,  after  crepe  is  laid  aside,  one  may 
wear,  with  propriety,  all  white  in  the  house. 

While  in  deep  mourning  one  does  not  go 
into  society.  All  that  mourning  etiquette 
demands  is  that  one  acknowledge  her  calls 
with  her  visiting  cards,  which  should  be 
sent  in  return  for  a  call  within  two  weeks 
after  it  is  made,  and  should  go  by  hand 
rather  than  by  mail. 

One  sends  invitations  to  one's  friends  who 
are  in  mourning,  to  show  that  they  are  not 
forgotten. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

Poi^iTKNKSS  OF  Young  Children. 

Give  a  boy  address  and  accomplishments, 
and  you  give  him  the  mastery  of  palaces  and 
fortunes  wherever  he  goes. — Ralph  Waldo 
Emerson. 

A  mother  once  asked  a  clergjTQan  when 
she  should  begin  to  educate  her  child,  then 
three  years  old.  *'Madam,"  was  his  reply, 
"you  have  lost  three  years  already." 

As  soon  as  the  child  can  talk,  its  lessons 
in  politeness  should  begin.  Among  a  child's 
first  words  should  be  "please"  and  ''thank 
you." 

A  child  should  never  be  allowed  to  leave 
the  table,  after  it  is  old  enough  to  under- 
stand and  to  say  it,  without  asking  to  be 
excused. 

A  child  should  be  taught  to  pass  behind 
and  not  before  one. 

Little  boys  should  never  be  allowed  to 
keep  their  hats  on  in  the  house. 

Children,  when  very  young,  should  be 
taught  to  be  generous  and  polite  to  their 
little  visitors,  and,  if  necessary,  to  give  up 
all  of  anything  where  half  will  not  do. 

Children  should  be  taught  to  '  take  turns" 
in  playing  games,  and  that  no  one  should 
monopolize  the  pleasantest  part  of  a  game. 

102 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  103 


Children  soon  feel  a  pride  in  being  little 
ladies  and  gentlemen,  rather  than  in  being 
rude  and  impolite.. 

If  mothers  would  impress  upon  their  chil- 
^dren's  minds  how  stupid  they  appear  when 
they  stand  staring  at  one  without  answering 
when  addressed  with  "good  morning"  or  a 
like  salutation,  they  would  be  anxious  to 
know  what  to  say,  and  to  say  it= 

I^Children  do  not  always  know  what  to  an- 
swer when  addressed.  They  ought  to  be 
taught,  so  that  they  may  feel  no  embarrass- 
ment. _ 

When  children  inconvenience  others,  they 
ought  to  be  taught  to  say  "excuse  me"  or 
"beg  pardon. " 

In  the  cars,  or  in  any  public  place,  a  boy 
or  a  girl  should  always  rise,  and  give  his  or 
her  place  to  an  older  person. 

A  child  should  always  learn  that  it  is  both 
naughty  and  rude  to  contradict,  and  to  say 
"what  for"  and  "why,"  when  told  to  do 
anything. 

A  mother  who  is  as  careful  of  her  child's 
moral  nature  and  manners  as  of  his  physi- 
cal nature,  will  guard  him  from  naughty 
and  rude  playmates  as  closely  as  she  would 
from  measles  or  whooping-cough. 

A  mother  should  never  allow  any  disre- 
spect in  her  children's  manners  toward  her- 


104        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


self,  nor  toward  any  one  older  than  they 
are.  They  should  be  taught  especially  to 
reverence  the  aged. 

Habits  of  politeness  and  kindness  to  the 
poor  are  of  great  worth,  and  easily  formed 
in  childhood. 

Virtue  is  born  of  good  habits,  and  the 
formation  of  habits  may  be  said  to  consti- 
tute almost  the  whole  work  of  education. 

Habits  have  been  compared  to  handcuffs, 
easily  put  on  and  difficult  to  rid  one's 
self  of. 

Those  parents  who  regulate  their  lives  in 
accordance  with  the  commands  of  the  Bible, 
find  many  verses  which  are  of  great  assist- 
ance in  teaching  politeness  to  young  chil- 
dren, such  as,  "Be  ye  courteous  one  to  an- 
other," "Be  respectful  to  your  elder,"  "Do 
to  other  as  ye  would  that  they  should  do  to 
you,"  etc. 

A  child  should  be  thoroughly  trained 
with  regard  to  table  manners.  The  well- 
bred  child  will  not  chew  his  food  with  his 
mouth  half  open ,  talk  with  it  in  his  mouth ,  nor 
make  any  unnecessary  noises  in  eating;  and 
he  will  handle  his  knife  and  fork  properly. 

Children  should  be  taught  that  it  is  very 
rude  to  look  into  drawers  or  boxes,  or,  in 
fact,  to  meddle  with  or  handle  anything 
away  from  home  that  is  not  intended  iot 
them  to  play  with. J 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  105 


Children  should  be  made  to  understand 
that  they  must  not  ask  too  many  questions 
promiscuously,  such  as,  "Where  are  you 
going?"  "What  have  you  there?"  etc. 

A  child  should  be  taught  never  to  tease 

a  pla^^ma'te's  mother,  or  to  have  its  own 

mother  teased  by  a  playmate.  Teasing 
should  not  be  allowed. 

Children  should  never  be  allowed  to  say 
"I  won't"  and  "I  will,"  even  to  each 
other. 

Children  should  never  be  allowed  to  speak 
of  an  elder  person  by  the  last  name  without 
the  proper  prefix.  They  should  also  be 
taught,  in  addressing  boys  and  girls,  say, 
sixteen  years  of  age,  to  use  the  prefix,  as 
"Miss"  or  "Mr.,"  before  the  given  name; 
thus  "Miss  Alice"  or  "Mr.  George."  In 
fact,  all  people  should  observe  this  rule  in 
addressing  the  young,  except  in  case  the 
older  person  is  very  familiar  with  the 
younger,  or  in  case  the  latter  is  too  young 
to  be  so  addressed. 

Children  are  now  taught  to  say,  "Yes, 
mamma,"  "What,  mamma?"  "Thank  you, 
mamma,"  "Yes,  Mrs.  Allen,"  "What, 
Mrs.  Allen?"  etc.,  in  preference  to  "Yes, 
ma'am,"  No,  ma'am,"  etc. 

Children  should  be  taught  that  it  is  rude 
to  yawn  without  trying  to  suppress  it,  or 


106        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


without  concealing  the  mouth  with  the  hand; 
to  whistle  or  hum  in  the  presence  of  older 
persons;  or  to  make  any  monotonous  noise 
with  feet  or  hands,  beating  time,  etc.;  to 
play  with  napkin  rings,  or  any  article  at 
table  during  meal  time;  to  pick  the  teeth 
with  the  fingers;  to  trim  or  clean  one's  nails 
outside  one's  room;  to  lounge  anywhere  in 
the  presence  of  company;  to  place  the  el- 
bows on  the  table,  or  to  lean  upon  it  while 
eating;  to  speak  of  absent  persons  by  their 
first  names,  when  they  would  not  so  address 
them  if  they  were  present;  to  acquire  the 
habit  of  saying  "you  know,"  "says  he," 
"says  she;"  to  use  slang  words;  to  tattle;  to 
hide  the  mouth  with  the  hand  when  speak- 
ing; to  point  at  anyone  or  anything  with 
the  finger;  to  stare  at  persons;  to  laugh  at 
one's  own  stories  or  remarks;  to  toss 
articles  instead  of  handing  them;  to 
leave  the  table  with  food  in  the  mouth;  to 
take  possession  of  a  seat  that  belongs  to 
another  without  instantly  rising  upon  his 
return;  to  leave  anyone  without  saying 
"good-by;"  to  interrupt  any  one  in  conver- 
sation; to  push;  to  ridicule  others;  to  pass, 
without  speaking,  any  one  whom  they  know; 
etc. 

Some  young  people  are  not  as  particular 
as  they  should  be  about  certain  articles  of 
the  toilet,  such  as  combs,  brushes,  etc.  One 
should  always  have  such  things  for  his  own 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  107 


individual  use.  It  is  exceedingly  impolite 
to  use  any  toilet  article  belonging  to  another. 

It  is  ill-mannered  to  ask  questions  about 
affairs  that  do  not  concern  one,  or  to  pry 
into  the  private  affairs  of  one's  friends.  To 
inquire  the  cost  of  articles  indiscriminately, 
is  impudent. 

If  parents  are  not  at  home  when  visitors 
come  in,  or  are  too  busy  to  see  them  at  once, 
a  child,  in  the  absence  of  a  maid,  should 
politely  shov/  them  in,  offer  them  a  com- 
fortable chair,  show  them  anything  he 
thinks  they  will  be  interested  in,  and  make 
every  effort  to  entertain  them  agreeably 
until  such  time  as  his  parents  can  take  his 
place.  He  should  then  politely  withdraw 
from  the  room. 

Children  and  young  people  should  early 
learn  not  to  monopolize  the  best  light  or 
the  most  desirable  seat  in  the  room,  but  to 
look  about  when  anyone  enters,  whether  a 
guest  or  an  older  member  of  their  own  fam- 
ily, and  see  if  by  giving  up  their  own  place 
the  new-comer  may  be  made  more  comfor- 
table. 

A  boy  ought  to  show  to  his  mother  and 
sisters  every  attention  he  would  show  to  any 
other  woman.  Should  they  chance  to  meet 
on  the  street  he  should  politely  raise  his 
hat.  He  should  allow  them  to  pass  first 
through  a  door,  give  them  the  inside  of  the 


lOS 


PRACTICAL  ETIOL'ETTE. 


walk,  help  them  into  a  carriage,  and  every- 
where and  under  all  circumstances  treat 
them  with  politeness  and  deference.  Girls 
should  of  course  treat  their  brothers  in  the 
same  polite  manner;  for  they  can  hardly 
expect  to  receive  attentions  where  the}'  are 
unwilling  to  bestow  them. 

Children,  especially  little  boys,  should  be 
taught  not  to  precede  their  mothers,  or  any 
woman,  into  theaters,  street  cars,  churches, 
elevators,  or  into  the  house  or  even  a  room. 

SCHOOL-ROOM  ETIQUETTE. 

"Good  manners  are  the  shv^dows  of  virtues,  if  not  virtues 
themselves." 

If  teachers  realized  the  inestimable 
amount  of  good  they  might  accomplish  by 
gi\'ing  a  little  time  and  thought  to  the 
manners  of  their  pupils,  surely  they  would 
willingly  give  it.  Those  of  their  pupils 
who  have  no  proper  training  at  home  would 
th;is  gain  a  knowledge  which,  in  after  life, 
would  prove  a  blessing.  And  such  a  course 
acted  upon  by  the  teacher  would  be  of 
great  assistance  to  the  parents  of  those  who 
are  well  trained  at  home;  for  a  large  portion 
of  a  child's  time  is  spent  in  school,  and 
under  conditions  that  require  such  training. 

Teachers  must  treat  their  scholars  po- 
litely if  they  expect  poHte  treatment  from 
them. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


109 


Every  teacher  should  see  that  no  pupil  is 
allowed  to  treat  those  of  a  lower  station  in 
life  with  disrespect. 

It  is  a  common  occurrence  for  a  teacher 
to  speak  with  seeming  disrespect  of  a 
pupil's  parents,  blaming  them  for  the 
pupil's  lack  of  interest  in  school,  truancy, 
etc.  Such  a  course  is  highly  reprehensible 
in  the  teacher,  and  gains  the  pupil's  ill-will. 
It  is  better  to  assume  that  the  parents 
would  be  displeased  with  anything  wrong 
in  the  pupil,  and  to  appeal  to  the  pupil  for 
his  mother's  or  father's  sake. 

A  teacher  should  never  allow  herself  or 
himself  to  be  addressed  by  pupils  as  ''Teach- 
er,'' but  as  Miss  or  Mr.  Smith. 

If  pupils  would  take  pains  to  bid  a  teach- 
er''good-morning"  and  "good-night,"  they 
would  appear  well  in  so  doing,  and  easily 
give  pleasure  to  another. 

The  entire  atmosphere  of  a  school-room  is 
dependent  .upon  trifles.  WTiere  a  teacher,  by 
her  own  actions  and  in  accordance  with  her 
requirements,  insures  kindness  and  polite- 
ness from  all  to  all,  she  may  feel  almost  sure 
of  the  success  of  her  school. 

Young  misses  ought  to  be  addressed  by 
the  teacher  as  "Miss  Julia,"  "Miss  Annie." 
Young  boys  (too  young  to  be  addressed  as 
Mr.)  should  be  addressed  as  "Master 
Brown,"  "Master  Jones,  '  etc. 


110        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


Teachers  should  use  great  discretion  in 
reproving  any  unintentional  rudeness,  es- 
pecially on  the  part  of  those  ignorant  from 
lack  of  home  training.  If  such  were  re- 
proved gently  and  privately,  it  would  be 
more  efficacious  and  just.  No  one  should 
be  allowed  to  appear  to  disadvantage  from 
ignorance. 

Selfishness,  untruthfulness,  slang,  rowdy- 
ism, egotism,  or  any  show  of  superiority 
should  be  corrected  in  the  school-room. 

Young  teachers  hardly  realize  with  what 
fear  and  dread  mothers  intrust  to  them  their 
carefully  reared  children,  especially  young 
ones. 


CHAPTER  X. 

Official  Etiquette. 


"Good  fashion  rests  on  realtj^  and  hates 
nothing  so  much  as  pretenders." — Emerson. 

All  presentations  to  foreign  courts  are 
made  through  the  national  representatives, 
and  from  them  is  received  all  the  informa- 
tion desired  in  reference  to  the  necessary 
forms  and  ceremonies. 

Kings  and  queens  are  addressed  as  "Your 
Majesty. ' '  The  Prince  of  Wales,  the  crown 
princes,  and  all  other  princes  and  princesses 
are  addressed  as  "Your  Royal  Highness." 

The  President's  *  levees"  at  Washington 
are  open  to  all,  and  are  conducted  very  much 
as  an  ordinary  '  'reception. ' '  As  one  enters, 
an  official  announces  him,  and  he  proceeds 
directly  to  the  president  and  his  lady,  and 
pays  his  respects. 

The  door  of  the  White  House  may  be 
said  never  to  be  closed,  and  any  one  who 
desires  may  call  upon  its  occupants  as  upon 
those  of  any  other  dwelling.  He  may  not, 
however,  obtain  a  personal  interview.  This, 
to  be  secured,  he  must  seek  in  the  company 
of  an  official  or  intimate  friend  of  the  presi- 
dent, who  will  be  able  to  judge  of  the  claims 
for  attention  of  a  visitor. 

Ill 


112        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


No  particular  style  of  dress  is  required  to 
make  one's  appearance  at  the  Republican 
Court. 

No  refreshments  are  expected  to  be  of- 
fered at  a  presidential  reception. 

Custom  does  not  require  that  the  wife  of 
the  president  of  the  United  States  should  re- 
turn official  calls.  Exception  is  made  in  the 
case  of  visiting  Royalty.  The  wives  of  the 
foreign  ambassadors  should  make  the  first 
call  upon  the  wife  of  the  vice-president,  as 
should  the  wives  of  the  cabinet  officials.  At 
a  function  given  by  officials  of  foreign  gov- 
ernments at  Washington,  the  wife  of  the 
secretary  of  state  takes  precedence  over  the 
wives  of  the  foreign  ambassadors. 


CHAPTER  XI. 


Business  Correspondenck,  Applica- 
tions, Etc. 


Since  custom  is  the  principal  magistrate 
of  humam  life,  let  men  by  all  means  endeavor 
to  obtain  good  customs.— ZorcZ  Bacon. 

CORRESPONDENCE. 

BUSINESS  CORRESPONDENCE. 

Closely  written  postal  cards  and  long 
letters  meet  with  little  favor  among  business 
men;  therefore  it  is  important  to  make  busi- 
ness correspondence  as  plain  and  brief  as 
possible. 

Names  of  places  and  persons  should  be 
written  very  plainly. 

When  a  letter  is  written  in  reply  to  an- 
other, the  date  of  the  letter  to  which  the 
reply  is  made  should  be  given,  and  it  is  an 
excellent  plan,  and  one  that  saves  much 
time,  to  give  in  a  letter  the  substance  of 
the  one  to  which  it  is  a  reply.  This  is 
especially  desirable  when  accepting  a  special 
offer  made  in  such  letter,  thus: 

Mr.  A.  Fl^ANAGAN, 

Chicago,  Illinois. 
Dear  Sir: 

Your  favor  of  Feb.  15,  in  which  you  offer  us 
a  discount  of  33 >^  per  cent,  on  your  books,  when 
purchased  in  lots  of  100  or  more,  came  duly.  We 

113 


114        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


herewith  enclose  our  check  for  three  hundred  dol- 
lars (|300.),  for  which  please  ship  us,  by  freight 
the  following: 

100  copies  of  ''Words;  Their  Use  and  Abuse." 
100        "      ''Getting  on  in  the  World." 
100        "      "Hours  with  Men  and  Books.** 
Respectfully, 

Gko.  W.  Jones  &  Co. 

Boulder,  Colo.,  April  3,  1899. 

Griggsville,  111. 

Messrs.  Harper  &  Brothers, 

New  York. 
Gentlemen: 

Enclosed  is  a  post-office  order  for  |3,  for 
which  please  send  me  Harper's  New  Monthly 
Magazine  for  one  year,  beginning  with  the  May 
number.  Respectfully, 

(Miss)  Sara  Brown. 

When  writing  a  business  letter,  a  married 
woman  should  sign  her  name  as  she  would 
sign  it  when  writing  any  other  letter;  that 
is,  by  placing  her  first  name  and  surname  in 
the  usual  position  of  the  signature,  and  add- 
ing, a  little  to  the  left-hand,  her  name  in 
full,  with  the  address,  thus: 

St.  Paul,  Minn.,  Nov.  9th,  1899. 
Messrs.  Harper  &  Brothers, 

New  York. 
Gentlemen : 

Please  send  me  one  copy  of  "How  Women 
Should  Ride,"  for  which  you  will  find  enclosed  one 
dollar  and  twenty-five  cents  ($1.25). 

Respectfully, 

Emma  C.  Bowen. 

Mrs.  Ch arises  E.  Bowen, 
324  Dupont  Avenue. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  115 


When  writing  to  a  person  or  firm  for  in- 
formation solely  for  one's  own  benefit,  a 
postal  card  or  a  stamped  envelope  should 
be  enclosed  for  a  reply. 

It  is  a  too  common  custom  among  people 
unacquainted  with  the  rules  of  business, 
when  sending  an  order  to  one  firm,  to  en- 
close money  to  be  paid  another,  or  with 
which  to  make  small  purchases  in  some  other 
line,  to  be  sent  in  the  package  ordered  from 
the  firm  with  which  the  correspondence  is 
held.  The  proper  way  to  do  when  one 
wishes  to  order  goods  from  different  houses 
in  the  same  city,  and  yet  have  all  the  goods 
shipped  in  the  same  package,  is  to  write  an 
order  to  each  firm  requesting  the  goods 
to  be  delivered  to  the  firm  with  which  one 
does  the  most  business,  having,  of  course, 
notified  such  firm  of  his  action. 

It  has  become  so  common  among  people 
to  request  everything  "by  return  mail' '  that 
business  men  look  upon  such  requests  as  a 
mere  form,  rather  than  as  an  evidence  of 
urgency.  If  such  urgency  exists,  it  is  well 
to  state  the  cause  of  it  in  a  few  words,  and 
request  immediate  attention  to  the  order, 
thus: 

Harvard,  111.,  Nov.  2,  1899. 
Messrs.  A.  C.  McCi^urg  &  Co., 

Chicago. 
Gentlemen: 

I  enclose  herewith  |2,  for  which  please  send 
me  a  copy  of  lyongfellow's  poetical  works.  You 


116        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


will  oblige  me  by  sending  the  book  by  return  mail, 
as  I  wish  to  use  it  on  the  evening  of  the  4th  inst. 

Respectfully, 

James  WeIvI^s. 

Whoever  writes  a  caustic  letter  makes  a 
mistake;  for  it  will  do  no  good,  even  if  there 
seems  to  be  a  cause  for  it,  and  if  the  assumed 
cause  proves  to  be  simply  a  mistake  the 
writer  will  be  humilated. 

LETTERS  OF  APPLICATION. 

It  is  sometimes  difficult  to  write  a  letter 
of  application,  because  one  must  speak  of 
himself  and  of  his  ability  to  fill  the  position 
sought,  and  to  do  so  without  seeming 
egotistic.  If  the  applicant  has  had  experi- 
ence in  work  similar  to  that  for  which  he 
applies,  a  simple  statement  of  the  fact,  the 
length  of  time  engaged  in  such  work,  the 
reason  for  quitting  his  last  position,  and  the 
name  and  address  of  his  former  employer, 
should  form  the  substance  of  his  letter.  If 
he  has  had  no  experience,  he  should  state 
what  advantages  he  has  had  to  qualify  him- 
self for  the  work,  and  not  boast  that  he 
could  soon  and  easily  learn  to  do  it. 

The  following  will  exemplify  the  points: 
124  La  Salle  St., 

Chicago,  Sept.  24,  1899. 
MESSRS.  A.  G.  Baker  &  Co., 

Kirkwood,  Ohio. 
Gentlemen: 

I  am  informed  by  a  friend,  Mr.  C.  A. 
Brooks,  of  your  village,  that  you  are  in  want  of  a 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  117 


book-keeper,  and  I  desire  to  make  application  for 
the  position.  I  am  a  young  man,  but  have  had 
several  years  experience  in  keeping  books.  I  am 
now  in  charge  of  the  books  of  Messrs.  Jones  & 
Williams,  of  this  city,  to  whom  I  can  refer  you  for 
information  as  to  my  ability  and  character.  I  de- 
sire to  go  to  the  country,  and  should  be  glad  to 
work  for  you,  if  you  can  pay  me  |70  per  month, 
which  is  my  present  salary. 

Very  respectfully, 

T.  R.  MlLi^ER. 

Salem,  Wis.,  May  15,  1899. 
Messrs.  Clark  &  Williams, 

107  State  Street,  Chicago. 
Gentlemen: 

I  am  informed  that  your  shipping  clerk  is 
soon  to  leave,  and  that  the  position  now  held  by 
him  will  be  vacant.  I  desire  to  apply  for  the 
same,  but  I  am  sorry  to  state  that  I  have  not  had 
any  experience  in  this  particular  line  of  work; 
however,  I  have  been  a  general  clerk  in  a  village 
store,  and  am  familiar  with  simple  book-keeping, 
which  would  probably  enable  me  to  learn  the 
work  of  a  shipping  clerk  in  a  reasonable  length  of 
time. 

In  case  you  should  wish  to  engage  me  on 
trial,  I  would  gladly  assist,  without  compensation, 
your  present  clerk  until  the  end  of  his  engage- 
ment, which,  I  understand,  is  about  three  weeks 
from  date. 

My  present  employer  is  Mr.  G.  W.  WebsteJ 
of  this  place,  and  he  will  doubtless  answer  any  in^ 
quiries  concerning  my  work  that  you  may  addre.es 
him. 

Respectfully, 

Geo.  E.  Johnsox. 

Such  letters  should  always  contain  a 
stamp  for  a  reply.    The  stamp  is  attached 


118        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


by  its  corner  or  by  a  pin  to  the  head  of  the 
letter. 

Great  precaution  should  always  be  taken 
not  to  send  a  letter  with  insufficient  postage 
on  it;  for  the  additional  postage  is  collected 
from  the  person  to  whom  the  letter  is  sent, 
and  many  business  men  look  upon  such 
neglect  as  inexcusable,  if  they  do  not  con- 
sider it  dishonest,  inasmuch  as  it  compels 
others  to  pay  what  the  writer  should  have 
known  it  was  his  duty  to  pay. 

An  application  for  a  position  as  teacher  in 
a  public  school  is  often  very  difficult  to 
write,  because  it  is  necessary  to  say  much, 
and  to  say  it,  in  some  cases,  to  men  who 
are  not  thoroughly  familiar  with  business 
principles. 

Before  giving  any  forms,  some  sugges- 
tions which  experience  has  taught  may  be 
of  great  importance.  The  handwriting 
should  be  natural.  If  one  has  a  degree,  he 
should  not  sign  his  name  with  it,  but  state 
in  his  letter  that  he  is  a  graduate,  naming 
the  institution  from  which  he  was  gradu- 
ated. All  boasting  should  be  avoided. 
One  should  not  ask  a  reply  by  return  mail, 
but  he  might  enclose  a  postal  card  or  a 
stamp  with  a  request  to  be  informed  when 
the  board  meets  to  consider  applications. 
One  ought  not  to  name  as  references  per- 
sons who  know  nothing  about  his  work;  for 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  119 


although  they  may,  if  consulted,  endeavor 
to  praise  him,  they  will  show  their  ignor- 
ance of  what  he  has  done,  and  the  board 
will  naturally  assume  that  he  has  no  better 
references. 

As  a  rule  it  is  not  advisable  to  give  testi- 
monials from  ministers  or  from  county 
superintendents,  unless  the  writers  can  say 
that  they  are  familiar  with  the  teacher's 
work,  and  have  visited  his  school.  Very 
old  testimonials  should  not  be  placed  be- 
fore a  board.  Indeed,  it  is  doubtful  whether 
any  testimonial,  unless  it  comes  from  a 
competent  judge,  is  of  value. 

If  boards  w^ould  consult  one's  references, 
or  seek  information  from  outside  sources,  it 
would  be  only  just  to  all  concerned;  but  as 
they  will  not  often  do  this,  it  is  wise  to 
send  copies  of  two  or  three,  generally  not 
more,  good  testimonials,  and  to  have  one 
or  two  of  the  applicant's  friends  write  the 
board  in  his  behalf. 

A  letter  of  application,  especially  if  for 
the  position  of  superintendent  or  that  of 
principal,  should  be  full  and  explicit,  speci- 
fying the  opportunities  the  writer  has  had 
to  prepare  himself  for  the  position,  rather 
than  stating  that  he  has  done  so-and-fso,  for 
in  the  latter  case  it  might  seem  like  boast- 
ing. 

Sometimes  a  short  letter,  unless  circum- 


120         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Stances  demand  a  long  one,  will  be  most  fa- 
vorably received  by  a  board.  The  writer 
once  knew  a  very  important  position  to  be 
obtained  by  a  correspondence  about  as  fol- 
lows (names  of  places,  dates,  etc. ,  are  omit- 
ted): 

To  THK  HONORABI^E  BOARD  EDUCATION. 

Gentlemen: 

I  learn  through  a  friend  in  your  county,  that 
the  position  of  superintendent  of  your  school  is  va- 
cant. If  the  position  has  not  been  filled,  I  desire 
to  make  application  for  the  same.  I  am  a  gradu- 
ate of  ,  and  have  taught  three  years. 

I  am  now  principal  of  the  schools,  but 

desire  to  teach  in  your  State,  as  my  home  is  there. 
Respectfully, 


A  Stamp  was  enclosed  for  a  reply.  The 
secretary  of  the  board  at  once  wrote  asking 
for  references  and  stating  the  salary  paid. 
The  applicant  replied  that  he  did  not  wish 
the  position  at  the  salary  named,  and 
thanked  the  secretary  for  the  trouble  he  had 
been  given. 

Had  the  applicant  written  a  long  letter, 
setting  forth  the  value  of  his  services,  and 
urging  the  board  to  raise  the  salary,  it  is 
not  probable  that  a  reply  would  have  been 
received  by  him.  The  simple  statement 
that  he  did  not  want  the  position  at  the  sal- 
ary named,  was  evidence  to  the  board  that 
he  considered  his  services  worth  more,  and, 
moreover,  that  he  had  confidence  that  he 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  121 


would  command  more.  The  secretary  re- 
plied to  the  last  short  note,  asking  for  ref- 
erences and  at  what  salary  he  would  ac- 
cept the  position.  The  information  was 
given,  and  in  a  few  days  the  applicant  was 
requested  to  meet  the  board  with  the  assur- 
ance that  the  position  would  be  given  him 
if  the  interviev/  proved  satisfactory,  which 
it  did.  Afterwards  the  applicant  was  in- 
formed by  the  president  of  the  board  that 
his  short  business-like  letters,  written  in  an 
almost  illegible  but  natural  hand,  obtained 
for  him  the  place  over  nearly  one  hundred 
applicants,  many  of  whom  were  college 
graduates  of  long  experience  in  teaching, 
and  who  had  basketfuls  of  testimonials,  but 
not  one  of  whom  had  written  even  a  fairly 
good  letter  of  application. 

Many  cities  and  towns  have  stated  public 
examinations,  which  applicants  must  attend 
before  they  can  be  employed. 

The  impression  of  character  and  of  qual- 
ification produced  by  a  personal  interview 
is  deemed  so  important  that  even  minor  ap- 
pointments are  scarcely  given  to  any  one 
not  personally  known  to  one  of  the  school 
board,  or  to  some  one  in  whose  professional 
judgment  they  have  great  confidence. 

Preliminary  inquiries  about  positions  are 
most  profitably  made  through  acquaintances, 
who  ean  advise  one  whether  to  take  any 
further  steps.    One  might  write  as  follows: 


122         PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


Chicago,  111.,  Nov.  3,  1899. 

My  Dear  Friend: 

May  I  trouble  you  to  ascertain  whether  there 
is  any  vacancy  in  the  schools  at  Elgin,  to  which  I 
would  have  any  prospect  of  an  appointment?  You 
will  confer  a  great  favor  upon  me  if  you  will  ask  the 
superintendent,  and  let  me  know  soon  what  he 
says.  You  can  say  to  him  that  after  I  finished  the 
high  school  course  at  Racine,  I  taught  a  term  in  a 
district  school  in  Racine  County,  Wis.,  and  was  one 
year  in  charge  of  a  primary  department  at  Wood- 
stock, and  that  I  had  charge  of  the  grammar  de- 
partment at  the  latter  place  last  year. 

You  know  something  of  the  work  I  have 
done,  and  I  can  furnish  testimonials  from  the  school 
ofi&cers  where  I  have  taught. 

Yours  very  truly, 

Emma  C.  Bowkn. 

If  a  favorable  answer  is  received,  some- 
thing like  the  following  form  may  be  used, 
which  is  also  a  form  suitable  to  make  appli- 
cation where  one  is  already  acquainted,  and 
where  formal  applications  are  expected. 

Chicago,  111.,  Jan.  10,  1899. 

Mr.  C.  E.  Ryan, 

Supt.  of  Public  Schools, 
Elgin,  111. 

Dear  Sir: 

I  desire  to  obtain  a  position  in  the  schools  of 
your  city.  I  enclose  a  letter  from  Mr.  Henry  Jones, 
a  director  of  Woodstock,  where  I  last  taught;  and  I 
refer  you  to  Mrs.  Mary  Smith,  of  Elgin.  I  prefer 
the  intermediate  work,  but  would  not  object  to  any 
tiosition  that  I  may  be  able  to  fill. 

X  completed  the  course  in  the  Racine  High 
School,  and  have  taught  a  little  more  than  two  years. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  123 


first  in  a  country  school,  then  in  a  primary  school 
a  year  at  Woodstock,  where  I  afterward  had  charge 
of  the  grammar  room  for  a  year. 

Please  inform  me  when  and  by  whom  can- 
didates are  examined,  as  well  as  what  vacancies 
there  are,  and  be  kind  enough  to  make  any  sugges- 
tions that  you  think  will  be  helpful  to  me. 


Verv'  respectfully, 

(Miss)  Emma  C.  Bowen 


CHAPTER  XII. 


GENERAL  HINTS. 


We  remain  shackled  by  timidity  till  we  have 
learned  to  speak  and  act  with  propriety.— 
Samuel  Johnson. 

A  man  raises  his  hat  when  walking  with 
another,  not  only  to  his  own  acquaintances, 
but  to  those  persons  who  bow  to  his  com- 
panion, whether  he  is  acquainted  with  them 
or  not. 

If  a  man  meets  a  woman  in  a  hotel  corri- 
dor or  hall  he  should  step  aside,  allowing 
her  to  pass,  and  raising  his  hat. 

If  in  a  public  place  a  man  hands  a  woman 
anything  she  has  dropped,  he  should  raise 
his  hat  when  offering  it  to  her.  A  well- 
bred  man  raises  his  hat  after  passing  the 
fare  of  a  woman  in  a  car  or  coach.  This 
does  not  mean  that  he  has  any  desire  to 
become  acquainted  with  her,  but  it  is  his 
tribute  to  her  sex. 

Slight  inaccuracies  in  statements  should 
not  be  corrected  in  the  presence  of  others. 

One  should  give  her  children,  unless 
married,  their  christian  names  only,  or  say 
''my  daughter"  or  ''my  son,"  in  speaking 
of  them  to  anyone  excepting  servants. 

124 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  125 


Men  remove  their  hats  when  in  elevators 
in  the  presence  of  women. 

Men  having  occasion  to  pass  before  women 
seated  in  lecture  and  concert  rooms,  and  all 
other  places,  should  "beg  pardon,"  and 
pass  v^ith  their  faces,  and  not  their  backs, 
toward  them. 

In  going  up  or  down  stairs,  a  man  pre- 
cedes a  woman  or  walks  by  her  side. 

To  indulge  in  ridicule  of  another,  vrhether 
the  subject  be  present  or  absent,  is  to  de- 
scend below  the  level  of  gentlemanly  pro- 
priet3^ 

A  reverence  for  religious  observances  and 
religious  opinions  is  a  distinguishing  trait 
of  a  refined  mind. 

C^eligious  topics  should  be  avoided  in  con- 
versation, except  where  all  are  prepared  to 
concur  in  a  respectful  treatment  of  the  sub- 
ject. In  mixed  societies  the  subject  should 
never  be  introduced. 

Frequent  consultation  of  the  watch  or 
time-piece  is  impolite,  either  when  at  home  or 
abroad.  If  at  home,  it  appears  as  if  one 
were  tired  of  the  company  and  wished  them 
to  be  gone;  if  abroad,  as  if  the  hours  dragged 
heavily,  and  one  were  calculating  how  soon 
he  would  be  released. 

It  is  very  unbecoming  to  exhibit  petul- 
ance or  angry  feeling,  though  it  is  indulged 


126        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 

in  largely  in  almost  every  circle.  The  true 
gentleman  does  not  suffer  his  countenance 
to  be  easily  ruffled. 

The  right  of  privacy  is  sacred,  and  should 
always  be  respected.  It  is  exceedingly  im- 
proper to  enter  a  private  room  without 
knocking.  No  relation,  however  intimate, 
will  justisy  an  abrupt  intrusion  upon 
a  private  apartment.  Likewise  the  trunk, 
boxes,  packets,  papers,  or  letters  of  any  in- 
dividual, locked  or  unlocked,  sealed  or  un- 
sealed, are  sacred.  It  is  ill-mannered  even 
to  open  a  book-case,  or  to  read  a  written 
paper  lying  open,  without  permission,  ex- 
pressed or  implied. 

Members  of  the  same  family  should  never 
differ  with  each  other  in  public. 

One  should  never  appear  to  be  thinking 
of  his  own  personal  rights  to  the  resenting 
of  a  little  slight,  whether  real  or  imaginary. 

In  small  communities  where  near  neigh- 
bors, for  convenience's  sake,  borrow  back  and 
forth,  great  care  should  be  taken  that  the 
practice  does  not  become  a  nuisance,  as  it 
surely  does  when  it  is  indulged  in  too  fre- 
quently, and  when  borrowed  articles  are 
not  speedily  returned  and  in  good  condi- 
tion. There  should  be  no  stinted  measures 
in  returning. 

Ostentation  is  snobbish,  as  is  all  too  great 
profusion. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  127 


To  affect  not  to  remember  a  person  is 
despicable,  and  reflects  only  on  the  preten- 
der. 

Some  conceited  or  ill-bred  people  imagine 
they  make  themselves  important  and  power- 
ful by  being  rude  and  insulting. 

One  is  judged,  to  a  great  extent,  by  the 
character  of  his  associates. 

One  should  be  very  careful  how  he  asks 
for  the  loan  of  a  book.  If  interest  is  shown 
in  one,  its  owner  w^ill  offer  it  for  perusal  if 
willing  to  lend  it.  When  reading  a  bor- 
rowed book,  one  should  take  the  best  of 
care  of  it,  and  return  it  as  soon  as  possible. 
No  real  lady  or  gentlemen  will  leave  finger 
prints  upon  its  pages,  or  turn  down  its 
leaves  in  place  of  a  book-mark,  or  scribble 
in  it  with  a  pencil,  or  loan  it  to  a  third  per- 
son without  the  knowledge  and  consent  of 
the  owner. 

A  lack  of  reverence  in  one  in  the  house  of 
God,  implies  lov/ parentage,  or  a  coarse  na- 
ture that  is  not  subject  to  refinement. 

To  whisper  and  laugh  during  any  public 
entertainment  proclaims  one's  ill-breeding, 
and  invades  the  rights  of  others. 

One  ought  never  to  leave  the  house  after 
the  evening's  entertainment  without  bidding 
the  hostess  good-night,  and  acknovvdedging 
the  pleasure  the  evening  has  afforded  him. 


128        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


The  business  man  has  no  stock-in-trade 
that  pays  him  better  than  a  good  address. 

It  is  only  those  persons  and  families 
whose  position  is  not  a  secure  one,  that  are 
afraid  to  be  seen  outside  their  own  social 
circle. 

One  should  never  reprove  servants  or 
children  before  strangers. 

A  true  lady  will  not  betray  her  astonish- 
ment at  any  violation  of  conventional  rules, 
least  of  all  will  she  make  it  her  province  to 
punish  those  who  may  make  any  such  vio- 
lation. 

If  one,  on  meeting  another,  fails  to  re- 
call the  name,  he  should  frankly  say  so. 

One  should  never  recall  himself  to  the 
recollection  of  a  casual  acquaintance  with- 
out at  the  same  time  mentioning  his  nameT] 

In  a  flat-house  a  man  should  take  his  haF 
and  coat  into  the  apartment  where  he  is  go- 
ing to  call,  and  not  leave  them  in  the  hall 
on  the  first  floor. 

It  is  very  bad  taste,  even  in  quite  a  large 
party,  for  young  girls  to  visit  a  man  at  his 
office. 

It  is  perfectly  good  form  fqr  a  mother 
to  invite  to  a  little  child's  party  children 
v/hose  parents  she  does  not  know,  or  who 
have  not  yet  called  upon  her.  The  invita- 
tions go  out  in  the  child's  name  and  to  the 
child's  friends. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE,  129 


It  is  extremely  rude  and  ill-bred,  when  at 
a  boarding-house  or  hotel  table,  to  criticise 
the  food  that  is  served.  The  fact  that  it  is 
paid  for  makes  it  none  the  less  an  evidence 
of  bad  manners.  People  who  are  not  satis- 
fied where  they  are  boarding  should  always 
leave;  they  have  no  right  to  make  others 
uncomfortable  by  their  lack  of  good-breed- 
ing. 

Women  of  good-breeding  do  not  permit 
themselves  to  ''overlook"  those  to  whom 
courtesies  are  due. 

A  man  should  learn  to  put  his  coat  on  in 
a  public  place  of  entertainment  so  that  he 
will  not  require  assistance  from  the  woman 
who  is  with  him. 

The  young  woman  to  whom  a  seat  is  of- 
fered should  take  it,  unless  her  companion 
is  an  older  woman,  when  it  w^ould  be  quite 
proper  to  extend  the  courtesy  to  her. 

It  is  very  bad  taste,  even  for  a  frolic,  for 
a  3^oung  girl  to  assume  boy's  clothes,  or  get 
herself  up  in  any  way  that  will  tend  to  make 
herself  look  masculine. 

There  is  no  impropriety  in  giving  to  those 
men  friends  with  whom  one  is  well  acquaint- 
ed, some  trifling  souvenir  at  Christmas  or 
Kaster,  or  on  birthdays. 

It  is  customary^  for  a  young  man  to  send 
a  young  woman  only  such  gifts  as  flowers, 


130        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


candy,  and  books;  and  as  these  presents  are 
sent  merely  as  a  slight  return  for  her  hospi- 
tality and  invitations  to  her  house,  etc.,  it  is 
not  necessary  for  her  to  send  him  any  gift 
in  return.  If,  however,  a  young  woman 
and  man  are  on  intimate  enough  terms  to 
exchange  presents,  she  may  send  him  any 
small  article  for  the  desk  or  toilet;  such  as 
a  silver-handled  whisk  broom,  court-plaster 
case,  pen-wiper,  paper-cutter,  or  books, 
which  are  a  good  present  and  alwa3^s  ac- 
ceptable to  any  one. 

Nothing  looks  more  ill-bred  than  to  see  a 
young  man,  under  his  parents'  roof,  devot- 
ing himself  during  a  whole  evening  entirely 
to  one  young  woman  to  the  ignoring  of  the 
others. 

A  man  who  is  escorting  two  women  in 
the  street  should  not  walk  between  them, 
but  on  the  outside  of  both  near  the  curb;  at 
the  theater  or  at  any  place  of  amUvSement  or 
at  church,  he  should  sit  nearest  to  the  aisle, 
at  the  side  of  one  of  then. 

Unless  there  is  some  good  reason  why  she 
needs  his  support,  a  man  seldom  offers  his 
arm  to  a  v/oman  he  escorts,  even  in  the 
evening.  A  husband  may  offer  his  arm  to 
his  wife,  of  course,  and  a  man  may  proffer 
this  help  to  an  invalid  or  aged  person. 

A  little  delicate  perfume  may  be  used  with 
propriety,  but  a  heavy  perfume,  and  one 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  131 


that  scents  the  entire  room  in  which  the 
person  who  uses  it  happens  to  be,  is  in  very 
bad  form. 

In  opening  a  door  from  the  hall  to  the 
drawing-room,  a  man  should  hold  it  while 
a  woman  precedes  him  in  entering. 

When  one's  pardon  is  asked  for  some 
slight  inattention,  an  inclination  of  the 
head  and  a  smile  is  the  best  answer. 

The  words  "gentleman  friend"  and 
"lady  friend"  have  been  so  vulgarized  that 
most  v/ell-bred  women  now  say  *'man 
friend"  or  ''woman  friend,"  it  being  taken 
for  granted  that  they  number  among  their 
friends  only  ladies  and  gentlemen. 

Custom  never  condones  liberties,  no  mat- 
ter how  slight,  between  young  men  and 
women. 

When  a  woman  is  visiting,  any  acquaint- 
ance w^ho  should  call  upon  her  should  also 
ask  for  her  hostess,  and  if  she  is  absent 
leave  a  card  for  her^ 

It  is  considered  very  bad  taste  for  a 
3^oung  girl  to  address  a  man  with  whom 
her  acquaintance  is  but  slight  by  his  chris- 
tian name. 

No  young  man  has  any  right  to  spend 
the  entire  afternoon  and  evening  every 
Sunda}^  at  one  particular  house,  to  the  an- 
noyance of  an  entire  family,  who  do  not 


132        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE, 


like  to  make  him  conscious  of  tlie  fact  that 
they  consider  him  a  bore. 

When  a  young  man  is  paying  a  visit, 
and  the  older  members  of  the  family  are  in 
the  room,  he  should,  in  leaving,  bid  them 
good-night  first,  and  afterward  say  his  fare- 
well to  the  young  girl  on  whom  he  has 
called.  It  is  in  bad  taste  for  her  to  go  any 
further  than  the  parlor  door  with  him. 

Even  if  a  correspondence  is  of  a  '  'purely 
friendly  character,"  it  should  not  exist  be- 
tween a  married  woman  and  a  young  man, 
or  between  a  married  man  and  a  young 
woman. 

It  is  not  good  taste  to  ask  one's  men 
friends  to  buy  tickets  for  charity  affairs. 
They  do  not  like  to  refuse,  and  very  often, 
though  the  sum  required  may  be  small, 
they  cannot  afford  it. 

There  is  very  great  harm  in  young  girls 
meeting  young  men  in  secret;  the  men  will 
have  no  respect  for  the  girls,  and  nothing 
but  mortification  for  the  girls  will  be  the 
result. 

It  is  quite  proper  to  thank  any  public 
servant,  such  as  a  railroad  conductor,  for 
any  information  he  may  give,  but  it  is  not 
necessary  to  be  effusive  about  it. 

It  is  not  in  good  taste,  nor  even  proper, 
for  young  women  to  go  alone  to  a  hotel  to 
dine  with  a  man. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  133 


When  a  girl  is  3^ouDg  and  pretty,  a  Pla- 
tonic friendship  is  very  difficult  to  keep  up. 

When  a  man  friend  has  driven  a  woman 
in  town  to  go  to  church  he  should  take  her 
direct  to  the  church  and  leave  her  there 
while  he  drives  where  his  carriage  and 
horses  are  to  wait  until  after  the  service.  Of 
course  he  would  walk  to  church  and  join 
her  there. 

It  is  not  in  good  taste  for  different  mem- 
bers of  a  party  to  go  off  in  pairs,  and  spend 
the  evening  alone  on  the  seashore. 

It  is  not  wise  for  a  young  woman  and 
young  man  living  in  the  same  city  to  corres- 
pond. If  meeting  each  other  often  they 
ought  to  be  able  to  say  all  that  is  necessary. 

One  has  no  right  whatever  to  read  a  pos- 
tal card  addressed  to  another  without  per- 
mission. 

The  very  minute  the  married  man  begins 
to  tell  of  his  wife's  faults,  the  time  has  come 
to  cut  his  acquaintance. 

It  is  more  than  wrong  for  a  young  girl  to 
receive  visits  from  a  married  man. 

In  entering  any  public  place  a  woman 
should  precede  a  man,  but  going  down  the 
aisle,  the  usher,  of  course,  would  precede 
her. 

A  hostess  stands  to  receive  her  visitors, 
but  she  does  not  advance  to  meet  them  unless 


134        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


the  visitor  should  be  some  one  quite  old  or 
of  such  importance  that  the  visit  is  of  great 
honor.  The  hostess  extends  her  hand  to 
the  men  v/ho  call,  as  well  as  to  the  women. 

A  woman  is  not  supposed  to  recognize  a 
man  who  is  one  of  a  group  standing  in  a 
public  place,  since  a  modest  girl  will  not 
look  close  enough  at  a  group  of  men  to 
recognize  an  acquaintance. 

_No  matter  how  well  a  woman  may  know 
a  man,  it  would  be  in  very  bad  form  to  send 
him  an  invitation  which  does  not  include 
his  wnfe,  unless  it  should  be  at  some  affair 
at  which  only  men  are  to  be  present 

A  man  should  show  as  much  courtesy  to 
a  woman  in  his  employ  as  he  does  to  the 
women  he  meets  in  social  life. 

It  is  not  in  good  taste  to  visit  at  the  home 
of  one's  betrothed,  unless  a  personal  invita- 
tion is  received  from  his  mother. 

Two  women  may  attend,  with  perfect 
propriety,  a  place  of  amusement  without  an 
escort.  They  should  be,  however,  under 
such  circumstances,  exceptionally  quiet  in 
their  manners  and  their  dress. 

In  escorting  a  young  woman  home,  a  man 
should  go  up  the  steps  with  her,  wait  until 
the  door  is  opened,  and,  as  she  enteres  the 
house,  raise  his  hat  and  say  good-night. 

If  a  young  girl  were  very  ill,  there  would 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  135 


be  no  impropriety  in  her  mother  bringing  her 
betrothed  to  see  her,  although,  of  course, 
she  would  remain  in  the  room  during  his 
visit. 

It  is  always  proper  and  courteous  for  a  per- 
son in  church  to  share  either  prayer-book 
or  hymnal  with  anyone  who  may  be  vi-ith- 
out  either. 

There  is  no  impropriety  in  a  woman's 
permitting  a  man  friend  to  assist  her  in 
putting  on  her  over-shoes. 

If  one  approves  of  the  acting  or  the  senti- 
ment of  the  play,  there  is  no  impropriety  in 
expressing  gentle  applause,  but  a  loud 
clapping  of  the  hands  is  decidedly  vulgar. 

One  should  never  prevent  people  from 
leaving  his  house  when  thej^  desire.  That 
is  not  hospitality.  It  is  t3Tanny;  it  is  tak- 
ing a  miean  advantage  of  their  unwillingness 
to  offend. 

If  a  woman  lives  in  a  boarding  house  and 
has  only  one  room,  it  would  be  very  bad  taste 
to  receive  any  man  visitor  there.  Even  if 
it  is  not  quite  so  agreeable,  they  should  be 
received  in  the  public  parlor. 

"WHien  a  man  and  woman  approach  a 
hostess  together,  the  hostess  should  shake 
hands  v/ith  the  woman  first. 

When  a  man  calls  on  a  woman,  he  shakes 
hands  with  her  on  his  arrival;  but,  unless 


136        PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE. 


he  is  very  intimate  in  the  house,  a  simple 
bow  is  sufficient  when  he  leaves. 

An  unmarried  woman  writing  her  name 
in  a  hotel  register  should  prefix  it  with 
N^Miss"  in  parentheses. 

When  a  man  friend  has  taken  a  lady  to 
a  concert,  she  should  thank  him  for  his 
kindness  in  having  given  her  a  pleasant 
evening. 

It  is  not  advisable  for  a  girl  to  diliberately 
"cut"  any  man.  If  she  wishes  to  discon- 
tinue her  acquaintance  with  a  man  whom 
she  cannot  respect,  it  may  be  done  grad- 
ually, at  first  by  the  coolest  of  greetings; 
then,  by  a  look  in  the  other  direction;  and 
in  time  all  recognition  will  cease. 

If  a  stranger  takes  occasion  to  be  polite 
to  one  during  a  street-car  accident,  all  that 
is  necessary  is  a  polite  * 'thank  you." 

When  a  man  who  is  to  escort  a  girl  to  an 
entertainment  calls  for  her  at  her  own 
home,  it  is  proper  for  her  to  appear  with 
her  wraps  on,  and  be  ready  to  start  at  once. 

If  a  man  is  courteous  enough  to  open  the 
door  of  a  store  or  any  public  building  for  a 
woman,  she  should  thank  him^ 

If  a  girl  of  sixteen  goes  to  an  evening  af- 
fair, her  mother  should  arrange  to  have 
either  a  servant  or  a  member  of  the  family 
go  after  her  to  bring  her  home. 


PRACTICAL  ETIQUETTE.  137 

If  the  hostess  opens  the  door  for  a  man 
caller,  she  should  precede  hitti  in  entering 
the  parlor. 

After  having  taken  a  meal  or  having  re- 
ceived any  other  kind  of  entertainment  at  a 
private  house,  before  leaving  a  guest 
should  express  his  thanks,  or,  rather  his 
enjoyment,  of  the  same  to  the  hostess. 
This  courtesy  from  a  young  man  or  girl  is 
very  acceptable  to  elderly  ladies. 

Queen  Victoria  has  forgiven  certain 
breaches  of  etiquette  made  in  ignorance, 
and  left  her  guest  to  discover  the  mistake 
at  another  time.  It  is  a  reprehensible  host 
indeed  who  does  otherwise,  and  so  makes  a 
guest  uncomfortable.  Etiquette  is  all 
wrong  and  false  when  it  makes  one  forget 
the  higher  laws  of  courtesy  or  hospitality. 


/ 


'7 


